Comments - Love's What We Became (Song)

Michael D Nalley ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-04

Heavenly metaphors flowed as a gentle breeze in the spring of passions I could feel the rhythm of your heart expressing desire for lizzy. Oh how it makes me dream of pure erotic love ..........great work 5>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

PMurphy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-04

Truly sensational piece i truly enjoyed it. While reading it the flow was near perfect as the whole time it felt as if i was gliding in the air, slowly traveling through the clouds while i was thinking of the ones ive loved. On top of this i was just compelled to sing!

Truth be told, i really didnt get a message out of this because i was simply being thrown around by your words. Do i care if i got a message? NOt really because i extremely enjoyed your piece. But if i read it a few more times i could get the message -only telling you this incase your interested- So if you dont like this fact, maybe their are ways to make the message more obvious? Who knows!

Not only this but i like the idea, that he is talking about a loved one, then talks about another love one, that isntantly made me thing of the song "Mombo #5" i know this has nothing to do with taht but mombo #5 is a pretty good song to me.

Also its hard for me to judge this song, for i do not enjoy opera music that much. So instead i simply took it in as a poem! Not only this but i would have to hear the song. As a poem i think it deserves a 5/5 for your flow and everthing was truly somthing to read.

Great work

[ Praised by Italian Stallion | Approved by Italian Stallion ]

Live WeLL ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-04

Wow joe! Simply amazing and so beautiful.. I love your choice of song for inspiration too!

I really like the style you wrote this poem in.. it is definitely different but it works because of your word choice - great job .. i really enjoyed reading this poem.. I just got pulled into it right away.

Dreams I once dreamt of an angel,
Beautiful as one' can name.
Her soft tender voice whispered,
"Love's what we became."

^^ I love that stanza.. I love the flow and the word choice and how you added the title into that last line - it fit perfectly. I love how the only quotations in the entire poem is what she whispered and that is what you chose to use for the title.. great idea.

Elisabetta, you I dreamt,
An angel sent down to me.
Elisabetta, you I loved,
Always; forever.

^^ I love that stanza too - especially the last line. It really just adds to the style of the poem. Two simple words "always, forever" and they can mean so much.

I love the whole ending part. I like how you broke it up and didn't write in stanzas.. just in lines. Like you were just getting your thoughts out, but it still flowed great and the rhyme is still there.

Amazing job Joe! I love this poem. It is beautifully written and so sweet. 5/5 for sure =)

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debbylyn ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-05

I can picture this as a slow romantic song with an acoustic guitar....

Where have you gone, I really miss you.
Wish you were here with me.
Soft gentle smiles never left me,
Words can't describe this feeling.

^the angst bleeds through in this verse....how a love can linger when the lover is absent

"Dreams I once dreamt of an angel,
Beautiful as one' can name.
Her soft tender voice whispered,
"Love's what we became."

^what a sweet dream...to see the one absent from your heart.... I like the flow and feel of this verse

"Here in the dark I sit and ponder,
Why do I still adore you?
Somehow I can't find an answer,
Still it's you I still love true. "

^ There is no rhyme or reason to love...why we choose to be captivated by a certain person....however I think the sorld still used 2 times in this verse doesn't quite fit...

All in all Joe, a very heartfelt spill...full of the longing and wishful dreams that romance is made of...as a song I believe it will be beautiful....take care....Debbie

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Cayce ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-05

Lizzy, Lizzy
^^This is a really good opening line, because it catches the reader's attention and makes them curious as to what the rest of the poem is about. I also like how you used the person's name, because it makes the poem more personal.

Where have you gone, I really miss you.
Wish you were here with me.
Soft gentle smiles never left me,
Words can't describe this feeling.
^^Hmm.. In the first line, the "I really miss you" part, I think it just a bit plain. Maybe you could reword it somehow? Maybe something like, this is just an example "My heart aches for you", just to make it sound a little more poetic. It's just a suggestion, though, and ultimately your choice. I liked how your described her smiles as soft and genlte. It painted a wonderful picture in my mind.

Dreams I once dreamt of an angel,
Beautiful as one' can name.
Her soft tender voice whispered,
"Love's what we became."
^^Comparing someone you love to an angel is really quite common, but it's still beautiful everytime I hear it. It's nice that someone can think of you as something as beautiful and perfect as an angel. In the second line you have a ' after the word "one" haha, so it looks like one' you might want to fix that little typo. [Okay, I know I'm being really picky. >< Sorry.]

Here in the dark I sit and ponder,
Why do I still adore you?
Somehow I can't find an answer,
Yet it's you I still love true.
^^The first line to this reminds me of Edgar Allen Poe for some odd reason. Lmao. Just thought I'd tell you. I like how you question yourself in this stanza. I always seem to think questions in poems make them more interesting, because it makes me think, even if it is a simple question.

Elisabetta, you I dreamt,
An angel sent down to me.
Elisabetta, you I loved,
Always; forever.
^^I looove the word "dreamt" here. I never see people use it. I mean the use "dream" a lot, but never "dreamt". This is such a sweet stanza, and you can tell how much you care for Elisabetta [which is such an awesome name I might add]

Angel of love and beauty, hold me close;
Grant to me my true wish.
^^Oh my gosh. I can almost hear this as it's being sung. It's good that it has a rhythm even though we can't really hear the music that is suppose to go along with it. I'm sure so many people can relate to this.

Would you set me free?
^^Another question. :] It makes me wonder... would you be set free? Hmm...

This angel of love is dear to my heart,
I'm sure she would agree.
^^You know.. the more I read of this.. the more it reminds me of something. I'm not sure what, but I know it does.

I wish this dream was real.

My nose is cold,

My heart pumps fast,

For Elisabetta.

Waking up, tears flow free,

With dreams at end.
^^I like how you put spaces between each line. It makes me pause after everyone and take each line in, instead of just reading through it really fast. I'm sure this would make an amazing song.

*Inspired by the song, "Angel Of Music" from The Phantom of the Opera.*
^^I knew it reminded me of something! >< I love The Phantom of the Opera. It's like one of my favorite movies.

P.S. Sorry it took soooo long, my computer was being mean and kept freezing. ><

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Hey Brittknee ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-05

Sorry joe
no matter how adorable this is
you cant have liz
she is all mine,& i am not willing to share

i loved the flow of it though
your writing is always amazing

Hey Brittknee ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-05

Now that i look at everyone else's comment i feel as though mine may have been to short
not that you would have minded but since i like to babble, i figure i could go on for a substantially longer comment than the one i made before. By the way I was being totally serious when i said that you cannot have Liz because she is mine. I am soooo NOT willing to share her. Hey you know what, i am not going to sit here and analyze your song line by line because that's not how I roll. If i over analyze then i critique far too much and then I lose the meaning of what it was meant to be, and a beautiful song as this is does not deserve to have its meaning diminished nor does it deserve to have every line praised individually on how simply wonderful it is, because you already know how wonderful it is because you wrote it. (And if that last sentence wasn't a run on I don't know what it.)
maybe
if
i
started
putting
enters
between
my
words
then
my
comment
would
seem
to
be
longer
therefore
appeasing
my
need
for
having
a
longer
comment
okay
i think
iam good
now that my comment
is much longer than the
first one that i posted here
what a wonderful poem you had, -Britt

jane ( F C ) at 2008-05-05

Really a good sweet calming poem just amazing

Prophecies In Kodak ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-05

This poem is quite a tender poem. It touches base with all of the basic emotions and feelings one would have when they've lost someone they care about. It really is quite sad but loving all the same. The opening line made it personal, but in a sweet and remorseful way.

I dont like how you had had a steady form with a few lines like a block, and then the few stray lines that were by themselves. That threw it off for me. But I did enjoy how personal you were inside of the poem and the way you seemed to be talking to her as well as yourself.

It might be strange that my favorite line is "My nose is cold". It's so strange and pin pointing, and wonderfully blunt and human. Kind of makes you seem vulnerable to her in a way. Like a little kid who comes in asking for a cup of something warm. Maybe she's your cup, haha, I dont know.

I really liked this poem, Joe. You did a nice job with the visual and the emotional aspects. This is a poem that could touch the reader and let them see how much you care about her. It's soothing as well, to see you telling her through a poem that you love her still.

Take care.

[ Praised by Italian Stallion | Approved by Sherry Lynn ]

noha ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-05

Waw its beautiful song,full of life and love.
and i realy love the part when you say:
Where have you gone, I really miss you.
Wish you were here with me.
Soft gentle smiles never left me,
Words can't describe this feeling.
its so simple and flow from the hear ,you did great jop well done 5/5

Sherry Lynn ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-05

Joe,

This song is so sweet and heart touching. I know that Liz must feel honored. It truly is an amazing write and the emotions that this poem portrays is absolutely wonderful.

Poetess ( F C D ) at 2008-05-05

Woah. my comments wont be as long and as thorough as most up there but..... This was a very beautiful dedication. Kinda made me sad...i guess in part because i thought you guys were gonna like end up being with each other for real...=/ But i guess life works different...or...maybe there's still hope? who knows. anywho, back to the poem/song. i'd love to hear it with music and such. soon? well you get your deserved five from me. take care, love!

-Duhilz =]

Noir ( F D ) at 2008-05-05

I should say that usually I am abhorrent of love songs, even to the point of satirizing it. But this one is quite good, it can in some ways be used as a free verse, if need be.

Your first line was quite playful in tone, and the stanza changes the tone to that of playfulness to somewhat of a unrequited ode.

I found no faults with it, which is surprising. But again, its a song, so its quite hard to find faults.

Well done.

Freedom ( F C ) at 2008-05-05

I would like to hear this song singing in acoustic version,i bet would sound pretty good :)
so to start with,song is writen perfectly,openin lines "Lizzy Lizzy" is a pretty good start to catch reader eye and make people interested about what song will be.
Feelings expresed in a good wa,words are heart touching.full of love.well done,u deserved 5 :)

Organized Chaos ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-05

I really think this poem can be a real contestant for a poetry contest! The flow never broke, wen't perfect line by line, from one stanza to another. I am going to give this wonderful poem a 5.0 you deserve it!

Keep up the good work!

SensesCaptureLace ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-06

The Phantom of the Opera is my favorite movie of all time. I can see how you can get inspiration from it, and I actually managed to get a beat while reading it, by hearing the music, yet adding your lyrics.
I liked how this was not like most songs, that have a beginning, then bridge, chorus etc. It was just simple, yet very heartfelt.
"Elisabetta" was a very unique name, and added some sort of romance to the piece.

"Here in the dark I sit and ponder,
Why do I still adore you?
Somehow I can't find an answer,
Yet it's you I still love true. "

^^That last line usually wouldn't sound right, but if it was to be an opera song, it would make sense to me.

"My nose is cold,

My heart pumps fast,

For Elisabetta."

^^That really built up for me. I could feel the passion in those lines, and all I was thinking was "wow".

Truely superb. I honestly loved it, and can tell that you put much thought, and love into this.
5/5
~Lace

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Patience ( F C D ) at 2008-05-06

I have to confess- I am not familiar with The Phantom of the Opera. However, after reading this piece, I feel like I am really missing out on something great (I’ll be looking it up on Netflix in a minute…lol). Back to business baby. This piece is absolutely beautiful. I find so much beauty in all this sadness. It has a strong and very effective beginning, which I always admire in a writer because it sparks interest in the reader. Although this is a song, I did not read it like that at first and found that the rhythm and flow through out is steady and harmonious as a poem as well. My favorite stanza is:

Dreams I once dreamt of an angel,
Beautiful as one' can name.
Her soft tender voice whispered,
"Love's what we became."

I was in love once I read those lines.

Great job Joe.

[ Praised by Italian Stallion | Approved by Italian Stallion ]

AblissfulDREAMER ( F C D ) at 2008-05-07

Beautiful way of expressing your love for this person.

The word you used to describe your emotions were just flawless and they felt so real just straight from you heart. The flow here was just so naturally and everything fit nicely together.

"Dreams I once dreamt of an angel,
Beautiful as one' can name.
Her soft tender voice whispered,
"Love's what we became.""
^Best stanza from the lot. Filled with everything a great love song/poem should be. Emotion, rhyme, imagery, etc ...

I applaud you in expressing this wonderful emotion so beautifully.

Well done *5/5*

UnToLd TrUtH ( F C D ) at 2008-05-07

I really love this poem. After seeing where you got your inspiration from I can see how you came up with this song. Its beautiful and full of soul. It was amazing 5/5

Moucha ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-07

Mmm, i like this one , good feeligna dn expression , i would advice , to work more on teh rhyming , it will like it more , since i am pianist , it could imagine the beat !!

lol

but in general i love it , !!
i rate 4


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