Comments

Healing Spirit tpfka Broker ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-13

Debbie,

I read it twice and I wonder what it is you have changed....
the first time I read it it was more...natural idk...hard to define. It is still very beautiful though. That one sentence about the carrying of the goodbye makes me feel so melancholic.
You are my absolute favorite poetess:)

Hugs,

Ingrid

Cindy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-15

Debbie
This is one of my favorites of all your poems. It is such a heartfelt write and the imagery is fantastic.

Soft feathers of wind tickling sleep, you are there
As you always were, hint of gold in your hair
On the bank embracing , kissing through the tears
As if forever held no place in our fears
Lazy slumber lingered with our warm embrace
On fragrant bed of Violets and Queen Anne's lace
You were laughing, we sent wishes to the sky
Never knew those seedlings carried our goodbye

Thes lines always make me cry..they take me back to happier times in my life. You never know when that last good-bye will come. So treasure and hold close to your heart the ones you love.

Skeletal branches plead for another start
Quiet river swells, her melancholy song
Remainders of a feeling, now love has gone
Wild flower remnants lie dry beneath bruised feet
"Please return"- repeats in every anguished beat
Clouds aloft bring home what I cannot deny
Change has come as snowflakes dance in Winter sky

The anguish of the heart that has lost it's true love. so sad.

Willing you back where I've been lonesome so long
Lying safe in my arms on new velvet grass
Feeling at home when you are with me at last
Love's quiet river flowing on as before
On to forever to be lonely no more
And we'll be laughing, watching storm clouds float by
Holding dreams and wishes we've cast to the sky

I love the ending. The promise of forever together. Gives one something to hang on to when all seems lost.

~Bravo~Bravo~
Love Cindy

[ Praised by : debbylyn ]

Rachel ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-16

^While ancient stones carried with snow melt go by
Still my form did quiet starling's lonely cry
Gnarled log my canopy dimpled brilliant sun
Dreams capturing day as quiet river runs
Soft feathers of wind tickling sleep, you are there
As you always were, hint of gold in your hair
On the bank embracing , kissing through the tears
As if forever held no place in our fears
Lazy slumber lingered with our warm embrace
On fragrant bed of Violets and Queen Anne's lace
You were laughing, we sent wishes to the sky
Never knew those seedlings carried our goodbye^

Excellent word choice and flow.

Oh the Springtime! New love's promise just begun
Recall memories as quiet river runs
Sleep has gone, love has flown, drifting lonely breeze
Wild geese cry in sympathy above bare trees
Vernal chill invades this trembling shattered heart
Skeletal branches plead for another start
Quiet river swells, her melancholy song
Remainders of a feeling, now love has gone
Wild flower remnants lie dry beneath bruised feet
"Please return"- repeats in every anguished beat
Clouds aloft bring home what I cannot deny
Change has come as snowflakes dance in Winter sky

Picture painting imagery. And the flow continues........clever and creative.

A walk into the void, what's left of you there
Can still close my eyes, sparkling gold in your hair
Quiet river silent, left waiting for the Spring
As I, for dandelion wishes to bring
Waiting for violets and lost starling's song
Willing you back where I've been lonesome so long
Lying safe in my arms on new velvet grass
Feeling at home when you are with me at last
Love's quiet river flowing on as before
On to forever to be lonely no more
And we'll be laughing, watching storm clouds float by
Holding dreams and wishes we've cast to the sky

No forced rhyming in this piece. A beautiful work of art. This is one deserving of the front page. Excellent job!

[ Praised by : debbylyn ]

Luanne ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-17

Debbie ... Debbie ... Debbie

I can not even begin to tell you the feeling I got while reading this piece. It is as though you dipped your pen in golden ink and colored the sky.

Vernal chill invades this trembling shattered heart
Skeletal branches plead for another start
Quiet river swells, her melancholy song
Remainders of a feeling, now love has gone
Wild flower remnants lie dry beneath bruised feet
"Please return"- repeats in every anguished beat
^^^
This part touched me so much ....

The ending so beautifully penned!

Skeletal branches plead for another start <---- brilliant wording!

The imagery is amazing .... the form ... well I can't even imagine trying to tackle this one ... lol

There is no form out there that I think you can not master with style and the flowing ink of brilliance.

Excellent read Debbie ....
And this is what P&Q visitors and future members should see when entering this site ....

Luanne

[ Praised by : debbylyn ]

The Fallen Mod ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-17

Now this is POETRY! Enough is said dear One! ~hugs~

billy rob ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-18

The imagery in this fills one's mind with beauty, much the same way a beautiful painting does to someone admiring it. This is a write I am in awe of. Too many levels above my talent for me to say anything except how very pleased, I am, you shared it with us. I bow to you! Bravo! Very well done, indeed. Billy Rob

Luanne ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-19

Congrats Debbie!
Very worthy of the front pages my friend. Exactly what visitors and new members of P&Q should see upon entering this site.
Penned with excellence!

Luanne

Anna Stephens ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-19

Debbie-
Luanne is absolutely right--this is what the front page should be all about--presenting the very best this site has to offer. Beautifully done and perfectly rendered. Congratulations--you are most deserving of this win.
Anna

Dark Secrets ( F C D ) at 2008-05-19

This poem is sooo beautiful... I love it, I like poems which have a optimistic idea to them, and this one's just wonderful

Cindy ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-19

Congrats my beautiful sister :) I'm so proud to see this on the front page...LOL...and it is more then just your family members who think you are deserving :)
I love you
Cindy

Dag Gogue at 2008-05-20

The Poem was good, i kinda liked the way it was constructed, the end lines were so sound alike, i love it! keep up the good work!

Bob Shank ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-20

"Please return"- repeats in every anguished beat

^how many syllables in this line

Waiting for violets and lost starling's song

^how many syllables in this line

I'll come back to this later, because I know you're a stickler for perfection, and this needs to be revised again because it doesn't fit the form. Sad that people who rate these things we call formed poetry have no clue that they are restricted to the format called for.......let me know when you've revised it...Peace

Bob Shank ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-20

I stand corrected, every is 2 syllables and violet is 3, but if so, wouldn't this line have 12 syllables

On fragrant bed of Violets and Queen Anne's lace

now for the piece itself, it's choppy, with many repetitive words, such as violet, you laughed, we laughed. and although I simply adore your talents I think that staying inside the structure of this format actually hindered you a tad, definitely not your best work, but could be. This is quite romantic, a yearning of the heart and most of the wording is superb, I enjoyed it immensely, but just think that you could do it far better without the constraints.....Peace

Barry ( F C ) at 2008-05-21

From where I am......Ha...
Your beautiful words are as smooth as gossamer strands in the first rays of dawn
My comment of no importance in such talented company on P&Q.....

To read such worded beauty is all I can ever ask....

My appreciation to many who write so beautifully on this site, none so more than you..... Love

Musicality ( F P C D ) at 2008-05-21

While ancient stones carried with snow melt go by
^I love imagery, but this is choppy and written awkwardly-read this aloud to yourself.

Still my form did quiet starling's lonely cry
^Oh it did quiet? You make it seem like it's fake or you are questioning your silencing ability...Maybe you should rephrase to quieted

Gnarled log my canopy dimpled brilliant sun
^Where's the connection within the line, seriously read this...to me it would be as if I had A.D.D and can't keep my eye on one thing for the same line.
Dreams capturing day as quiet river runs
^Your phrasing makes this choppy while you attempt to maintain the rhyme scheme of this form...maybe if you changed capturing to capture you'd be able to actually construct this line better.
Soft feathers of wind tickling sleep, you are there
^how are feathers a part of the wind...I'd like to picture them as floating on the wind, or in the gust of the wind...
As you always were, hint of gold in your hair
On the bank embracing , kissing through the tears
^Embracing who?
As if forever held no place in our fears
Oh embracing you...well then by all means embrace, but I'd like to know this in the previous line!
Lazy slumber lingered with our warm embrace
On fragrant bed of Violets and Queen Anne's lace
^I'm assuming then that you are using violets as 2 syllables?
You were laughing, we sent wishes to the sky
Never knew those seedlings carried our goodbye

Oh the Springtime! New love's promise just begun
Recall memories as quiet river runs
^Again the phrasing of quiet river runs...needs to be reworded or re-ordered for us normal folks
Sleep has gone, love has flown, drifting lonely breeze
Wild geese cry in sympathy above bare trees
Vernal chill invades this trembling shattered heart
Skeletal branches plead for another start
^Where is the connection in these lines? It's just a bunch of big words to make the imagery look good, but it destroys the beauty and raw emotion of the piece.
Quiet river swells, her melancholy song
Remainders of a feeling, now love has gone
Wild flower remnants lie dry beneath bruised feet
"Please return"- repeats in every anguished beat
^get rid of the dash, it is an eyesore...
Clouds aloft bring home what I cannot deny
Change has come as snowflakes dance in Winter sky
^These lines are choppy, it seems to be a trend while attempting to keep the 11 syllables
A walk into the void, what's left of you there
Can still close my eyes, sparkling gold in your hair
Quiet river silent, left waiting for the Spring
^Is 12 syllables and really now ...quiet rivers are silent? Who would've thought that :p I know you can do better :)

As I, for dandelion wishes to bring
Waiting for violets and lost starling's song
^WHOA! now violets is 3 syllables? do me a favor and be consistent.
Willing you back where I've been lonesome so long
^You've go so as a filler and I don't like it. Personal preference.
Lying safe in my arms on new velvet grass
Feeling at home when you are with me at last
Love's quiet river flowing on as before
On to forever to be lonely no more
And we'll be laughing, watching storm clouds float by
Holding dreams and wishes we've cast to the sky
^lacking connection and filled with ....Fillers....

I know you've got better! Reread this and put some sense into it.