Cindy ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-20
Rachel
You have penned a wonderful Monchielle..I love the first line for each stanza that you picked. It has paved the way for your beautiful words.
If teardrops never fell
I'd take my place instead
In the arms of sorrow
To drown in my regret
Wishing for tomorrow
Tears can be the best release for pain and sorrow. Great imagery and flow.
If teardrops never fell
I'd never speak my peace
My heart could never mourn
Or say a sad goodbye
If tears were never born
I love the ending the best. The part where you say if tears were never born. All stanzs leading to your ending telling the what if's without tears. Very unique twist.
Great job!
Love Cindy
[ Praised by : Rachel RTVW ]
debbylyn ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-21
Rachel you have done a great job on the monchielle form!
"If teardrops never fell
I'd take my place instead
In the arms of sorrow
To drown in my regret
Wishing for tomorrow"
^ This verse stands out among the others as something special...it conveys such deep and heartfelt emotions....love the "arms of sorrow" insertion...and the wistful wishing last line where hope for tomorrow is hinted at...
"If teardrops never fell
I'd never speak my peace
My heart could never mourn
Or say a sad goodbye
If tears were never born "
^ nicely sums up the feelings of the whole piece...if sadness were not a part of us...would we then be able to feel the intense emotions of love and happiness?
Well done!
[ Praised by : SnoWryTeR xiaoDan ]
End Of Eternity ( F P C D )
at 2008-05-22
Outstanding poem indeed, just loved the complete theme and the way you presented it, awesome. If teardrops never fell, great punching line, life certainly would be plastic without tears.
great poem dear, keep them coming
all the best and take care
xD ( F C D )
at 2008-05-22
Beautiful write Rach! Let me return your favour. =P
If teardrops never fell
Your words would still cut deep
It'd be a different place
For when it hurt me then
No tears would drench my face
A good opening. "If teardrops never fell, the hurt still remains". But when the teardrops have fallen, the hurt is surfaced and soon to be assuaged.
If teardrops never fell
My eyes would not tell tale
The pillowcase would dry
Would I feel better then
If I could never cry
Trying to maintain a brave front isn't such a good idea after all. Sometimes crying can be a release for what might have been extreme stress or grief for us. "Would I feel better then, if I could never cry?" Good rhetorical question. Stimulates the reader's thinking and comparison to had you cried.
If teardrops never fell
I'd lose my sweet release
I'd keep it all inside
Angst would overcome me
If all teardrops were dried
Indeed! As aforementioned, tears can be a sweet release for bottled angst. But try not to use too many "I"s.. and don't repeat the word "teardrops" if it is such a short stanza. Kind of distracts.
If teardrops never fell
I'd take my place instead
In the arms of sorrow
To drown in my regret
Wishing for tomorrow
"I would take my place instead"? How can you take your own place? Perhaps you should compare apples to apples and not apples to nothing. You know what I mean..
If teardrops never fell
I'd never speak my peace
My heart could never mourn
Or say a sad goodbye
If tears were never born
Excellent ending stanza to a tirade of tears upon the canvas. This is my favourite stanza of your entire poem.
Overall a good job done; you kept to the pace and the flow. I'd find it hard to accomplish this point. However to reiterate my view on repetition of the same word- try not to use the same word twice if the stanza is too short, cause it kind of shows your lack of words at the moment. Try to replace that.
All of what I said are purely on my own opinions and should be taken with a pinch of salt if deemed inappropriate. However I enjoyed reading this sad l'il write from you!
Hoping to read your future works.
+*+*+~{xiaodan}~+*+*+
[ Praised by : Rachel RTVW ]
Ashley
at 2008-05-22
Wonderful poem i loved it! it had such a great flow and everything! i hope to read more of your poems soon.
Inevitable Dreamer
at 2008-05-23
Love the work. The way you work your stanza's is excellent, i am deffinatly going to try the pattern.
Jenn ( P )
at 2008-05-23
Very good poem! Well written! keep up the good work! I enjoyed reading this!
Karan ( F P C )
at 2008-05-26
Tat was lovely again dear fren...
I really love n appreciate poets like u bringing out d poetic talent tat a few know exists.......
Itz always good to learn from such forms n leaving aside d poetic form..
I really loved this poem... It was flawless for me...
Keep it up..
best wishz.. karan
billy rob ( F P C D )
at 2008-06-01
My goodness, I loved it. "if teardrops never fell"...at the start of five beautifully written stanzas. Very well crafted, my friend. I thought it excellent. Very moving and lovely. Well done, indeed. Billy Rob
LadyBlodeuwedd ( P D )
at 2008-06-03
I enjoyed this splendid write, minus several factors. I will note that it was a well written monchielle, but the end was an anticlimax
If teardrops never fell
I'd never speak my peace
My heart could never mourn
Or say a sad goodbye
If tears were never born
^However, if it were to remain- The Or ruins the little imagery given in the poem, and I think that borne would be better suited to this poem then born
[ Praised by : Rachel RTVW ]
Rachel ( F P C D )
at 2008-06-03
Borne can refer to:
Borne, Overijssel, a town in the province of Overijssel in the Netherlands
Borne, North Brabant, a smaller town in the Netherlands, near Schijndel
Borne, Ardèche, a commune in the Ardèche department, France
Borne, Haute-Loire, a commune in the Haute-Loire department, France
Borne, Germany, a municipality in Saxony-Anhalt, Germany
Borne, an Australian alt-rock band.
Borne is the name given to a 'waymarker' on Liberty Road (La Voie de la Liberté) in Northern France, commemorating the Liberation of France.
In the UK:
-borne - a suffix for a place name, using a form of Bourne (placename)
Ummmm, nope, it wouldn't have fit right.
EternalGuilt ( F P C D )
at 2008-07-01
Ack that must have been hard to do O_o" so many rules, making the word choice pretty limited.
but you pulled it off
n_n
sluvious ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-12
A very profound write indeed, I sometimes wonder if we didn't have tears to cleanse our souls would we all go insane. sometimes it's good to bathe ones self in the saltiness that life provides. Loved the sentiments in this and I'm impressed that a biatch like you actually has the heart that you try so hard to hide.....Miss you...Peace
David Wallace ( F P C )
at 2008-10-21
I like the way u write. U commented on a poem of mine sometime back and I would like to tell u that ur comments are always welcome and are more than appreciated. I would like some critiquing from u more often. I'm trying to understand the monchielle type of poem written here but i dont understand the rhyme pattern so if u can help me it would be very helpful.
Starhiker
at 2009-01-14
Beautiful poem, makes me want to cry...
All is fine in your poem, flow, rhyme, rhythm, but I wonder about the fifth stanza, as the Monchielle form only has four stanzas. It might be that you misunderstood the form rules, where it sais "four five-line stanzas", meaning four stanzas, each five lines. Excellent Monchielle nevertheless.
Come by AllPoetry, and read my Monchielles (and other poetry). Link is in my profile.
Sincerely
Jim T. Henriksen
PinkyPrincess ( F C )
at 2009-08-06
This poem is so beautiful! I love everything about it. I like how you explained about the monchielle form at the end to those who don't know it. It's great that one can read a poem and learn about different styles of poetry at the same time! Great job!
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