Breaking Dawn ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-03
"Mesmerizing eyes captivate my soul
Radiant smile hypnotizes my heart
Strapping arms shelter me from pain
Alluring beauty entices me for more"
^Great descriptions, wow, your wording was outstanding!
"Loyal love lost due to tempting skin"
^Wonderful last line, that sums it all up.
A beautiful write, I love the way you wrote this. Flow was great and your words were filled with such passion. Nice work. 5/5. Keep writing, always and forever.....
Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-03
"Mesmerizing eyes captivate my soul
Radiant smile hypnotizes my heart
Strapping arms shelter me from pain
Alluring beauty entices me for more"
`Woah! Blisss! I loved this! It was absolutely beautiful. It made my heart flutter. :] ha. Awww. This is such a beautiful stanza.. it is so adorable! <3
"One soft caress and temptation rises..."
`Oh, I love it. :] It makes a lot of sense too.. lol.
"The taste of your nectar linger on lips
Teasing me of steamy, fiery nights"
`the taste of your nectar linger on my lips..woah. that's a great description. I loved the word choice in that line! It was wonderful.
"Loyal love lost due to tempting skin"
`Love it!
Overall, it's a short poem. It's shorter than the usual ones you write.. but it was very well written. My favorite stanza was by far the first one.. it just was so descriptive and beautiful. It was very cute! Well done, darling. :] I wanna read more from you so keep posting!! This poem is summed up by one word - beautiful. 5/5.
[ Praised by : Blissful ]
Cayce ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-03
Mesmerizing eyes captivate my soul
Radiant smile hypnotizes my heart
`` What I don't like here is that Mesmerizing and Radiant have just been used a lot to describe eyes and smile. I know they're not simple adjectives, but it just seems like.. they're so common now. Don't get me wrong though, they're still great descriptions, very vivid. I just would like to see some different words. Oh and "hypnotizes my heart" <----- I love that part! ^-^
One night of passion fresh in memory
Tainting four years of devoted love
`` I really wasn't expecting this. o.o I just thought it was going to be two lovers, but they cheated on the person they loved. I love that little twist.
Loyal love lost due to tempting skin
`` Great ending. It really makes it clears up what the poem was about, and it gives the reader insight into the future with the "Loyal love lost" part. If you hadn't put that then we would have never known if that person found out and left them or what.
Overall. Amazing peice for a love poem. You're descriptions were above and beyond, and painted very clear pictures in my mind.
I hope this helped you get over writer's block. :]
Keep writing!
.||CAYCEE||.
[ Praised by : Blissful ]
Michael D Nalley ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-03
This poem has an amazing free verse flow. I like the word choice that reflects sensual desire with very good taste
5/5
Annaam ( C D )
at 2008-08-03
Woww...!! This is really swee t n nice... :) U've done a great job here... 8)
Take 5/5...
Keep it up! 8)
Danny Fernandez ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-04
"Mesmerizing eyes captivate my soul"
Such an amazing opener, the word mesmerize is such a fantastic adjective, I love it.
"One soft caress and temptation rises"
This stood out marvellously, if you're going to do a break in the stanzas, you need a really powerful line, and the way you've phrased it is brilliant.
"The taste of your nectar linger on lips"
That blew me away, you're amazing, all your poetry is captivating.
The theme is excellent, the flow is flawless and your word choice is beyond appropriate, this is a beautifully crafted poem.
5/5
NyellMoonlight ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-04
A poem with short lines from you, I can't believe this lol
Whole piece is amazing, so captivating and elegant. The flow that you created from the beginning to the end is perfect, although you can maybe change one "my" in the first stanza, the second line would sound better like this:
"Radiant smile hypnotizes heart", because you already stated in the first line that the poem is in first person. Other than that, I can't find anything to critique here. Whole atmosphere of this piece is lovable, beautiful in so many ways. I didn't expected twist in the third stanza, it added tones of sadness to the beauty of the piece which created effective contrast. I like those two lines written separately from the stanzas, they hold essence of the beginning and the ending of the poem.
Overall, this is another mesmerizing poem from you. I love to read your love poetry, it always feels like it's written straight from the heart and it holds whole spectrum of emotions; this poem is not an exception.
Greatly done.
Keep up!
[ Praised by : Blissful ]
BrokenREALiTy ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-04
Mesmerizing and radiant are used quite often now-a-days... They create a beautiful image, especially since this piece is much shorter than your usual pieces, but I was just wondering if there were any other adjectives that could be used. But as they are for this piece, it still creates a shimmery image.
One soft caress and temptation rises...
`That line alone makes it so much more powerful than it would've been if it were just a line in another stanza. I read it whispered... And it's so seductive :)
Yet can't help but flee with sweet lust
Triggered by your charming whispers
`Your use of triggered actually made me imagine pulling a trigger on your relationship, so that was pretty tight xD
The whole piece created such a beautiful, tempting atmosphere, yet you could taste the sadness within the words of lust. I could feel remorse, but yet at the same time, happiness. It's stunning.
Another great piece from you.
..__MiNDYY
Cyrano ( F P C D )
at 2008-08-07
I really do not see what ppl like about this poem.
The structure of the poem, since this is a free verse
should have been deferent yet looks like a rhyming one.
When you use a "break" and continuing it
with a one liner, that one line should have ~ a punch~ a ~deep meaning~, something to captivate the reader. I feel both of those lines failed miserably
in this write
The story do not flow well, too choppy and the
stanzas do not connect logically too clearly. They
need to be intertwined very tightly or the viewer
will keep asking himself ~why?~
“My heart captured by a loving fellow
â€
~fellow~ is just so not poetic in this write
Using the thesaurus is a great thing but not all words
will fit in all sentences. They might fancy the write
but you need much more to build a poem...
The other thing I would like to point out is the over
use of ~my~, ~me~, makes me wonder if you were
all alone on this intimate time... It gives a ~selfish~ taste to the reader and that is the worst thing that can happen to a love poem
“Tainting four years of devoted love
â€
^^^^Why??
“Loyal love lost due to tempting skinâ€
^^^^this last line reads if you just cheated
on your lover or something. Maybe you
were looking for a different word then ~loyal~?!
Anyway the bottom line is this is an OK write
But definitely not front page material…
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