Comments - Wish upon a star.

Kirsty at 2008-10-18

I love this poem it just put all my thoughts into words...Thank You and stay positive

lostw1th0utlove ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-19

I like how the name of the poem pertains nothing to any lyrics it lets you think about what your saying and how much you want it and need it, I feel the same way in parts because Im anti social but the poem, If I could cuss it would be something like Holy S/1t because your ryhming is once again outstanding, it doesnt seem like you were gunna have good flow but then your prooved me wrong and showed me how superior you are to me again, but there is so much emotion into this poem and its so good but I will still TRY to critique it,
I wish that I could find the person to call my other.
A caring heart, and love me like no other.
I'm unsure what to look for in a woman or where to start
They say that making love is so sensual it's considered an art
Well i spent about 5 mins looking over that and I can find nothing wrong

I want that love that makes me feel like I'm the one
not to have to worry about being out done
I wish I knew what it is that could help me on my way,
how to kiss, make love, or even what to say.

Being very picky here, but in the second line theres about two words that you dont really need and it will make the flow just the slightest bit better but that was the way I was reading it

Not to worry about being out done? and the last line when you mention making love it felt to me like it ruined some of your deep sad thoughts when bringing that in but you explain why in the next couple of stanzas,

scrw it thats crap of me to be that picky, another kickash poem by Dark Savior. favorited.

prettyboi1317 at 2008-10-19

Damn man i know the feeling, i know exactly how you feel, but i guarantee you that one day, you'll meet that special somebody, just remember to never give up!

ether ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-19

I'm not going to do this to every stanza or this comment will be far too long.

"I wish that I could find the person to call my other.
A caring heart, and love me like no other."
Other and other don't rhyme ;)
Watch the filler words, especially in the first line.
The first line could be changed to
"I long to find someone to call my other"
There's less "I's" and the shorter line matches the next line, which gives it good flow.
The begining is a little rough, it seems a little unpoetic but it still makes me want to keep reading which is something to be proud of.

"I'm unsure what to look for in a woman or where to start
They say that making love is so sensual it's considered an art"
The second line here seems a little random. You haven't talked about sex or anything to do with it and you mention it.
Take out the "I'm" in the first line.

So you talk about sex in the second stanza which is fine but the last line you mention kissing which makes it more innocent so perhaps you should be talking about touching instead of 'making love'.

The rest of the poem is too basic. Rhyming love and above is too expected. I find the poem too literal. There's nothing really exciting in it, it just seems like self loathing.
Or to me, it does.

I don't really like, so I won't rate it.
Keep writing!

jess ~

546 sad and 114 happy to go in ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-21

The frist part of the poem gave me a sense of yeah i heard these before!!....... but then at the middle and toward teh end , i was like open mouth and drool !!

I'm not sure why I want to be a father so bad
since I was sixteen it's a dream that I've had


i was reading off and say , mybe god told you about my wishes , secrectly!!

becasue it can fit ike 130%


i can understan all that you said , , and franckly support yout thougth about somethings your money can nto buy!!!



great work

trist3sa at 2008-10-21

Wow, i really liked it, sounds just like my thoughts, but in a guys point of view
congrats!!

Lameez Petersen at 2008-10-22

An excellent peace of work! 10/10 for this. I love it!

Jadie at 2008-10-22

Wow this is amazing i feel exactly the same!! xx

Samie at 2008-10-22

Wow that is awsome! and tho everyone already said they know how u feel. its true most of us do i know i do..and at times though it may seem like it will never come, dont give up hope no matter how..not even if u seen all ur dreams just in reach, and have then torn away, dont give up. there is always someoue out there, there is always another path to be walked!

greeneyed wonderer at 2008-10-23

Wow!
excellent all the way =]

Healing Spirit ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-24

Shaun,

When you wait for life to come to you, you will wait in vain your whole life long.
When you take a good look at people who are really succesful in life, you will find that they are just normal human beings, like the rest of us. What makes them stand out is their belief in themselves. No outside force can give you that, just like no medicine can cure you, if you do not wish to be healed.
All you need to change your life is change the way you see yourself.
Accept yourself and love yourself for who you are with all your virtues and flaws.
None of us mortals are perfect. The ones who seems to be in more luck than you, have it figured out already that it is not so much about what you have, but how you use it.
Look inside and see all the beauty that lies within, be proud of who you are. Dare to reach out to the world, it is waiting for you.
The thoughts and fears that prevent you from doing so are just that: thoughts. Once you see that, you will be able to turn the switch and then all you desire will come to you.

Hugs,

5/5 Ingrid

Vox ( F C ) at 2008-10-24

Everywhere I look reminds me that I'm alone
I want the family, a lover, children, an a home.
Is it too much to ask for all these things.
I even get nervous when my phone rings


You arn't alone, I promise. There are women out there with exactly the same thoughts as you. It will take time to find her, that special one for you, but I believe you can do it. Truely, I really do.

mia ( P ) at 2008-10-24

Wo0o0o0o0o0o0owwwwww reallly an outstanding poem :D keep it up ;)

AblissfulDREAMER ( F C D ) at 2008-10-24

I'm sure many can relate the with emotion of wanting someone to love and be loved by. The answer to their every wish, the reality of their dreams. You expressed those thoughts nicely here and made it easy for everyone to relate with their own lives. Everyone has a person in the world that is meant for them no matter how corny that sounds, and yeah waiting can seem frustrating but remember good things come from those who wait so when you least expect it that love will enter your life and shine light in to the darkest crevices of your world.

Well done.
*5/5*

Skyfire ( F P C ) at 2008-10-24

I especially love the first two stanzas...this poem is something i can really relate to at this point in my life. I'm looking for someone, but I'm just not sure of where to look. Very well written, nice rhyme scheme.

JUSTme dora ( F C ) at 2008-10-25

I really liked your poem!! i think many will definitely be able to relate, i think we all go through these phases. you've worded it perfectly and written straight from the heart. a great write 5/5.

Leap Of Faith aka Temps ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-25

"I want the family, a lover, children, an a home."
`an should be and

Puncuation at the end of sentences were a little awkward, to say the least. I think you should have stayed with a pattern, although the flow was decent anyway.

Somehow I really loved this poem just for the main fact that you put the reader into your mind and told us all these dreams and wishes and feelings and emotions that you have inside you. I really enjoyed this poem, it may have been simple but I really thought it said a lot about who you are.. Great work, 5/5

Finalgravedigger ( F P C D ) at 2008-10-25

I give true props to you, i usually dont like reading love poems, its the same thing over and over again, but this, this was filled with a different emotion, this had different words, true originalty, if you ever have such a fascinating love poem again plz contact me.

Mishy at 2008-10-25

Wish You Luck. [: Many People Are Thinking The Same. Give Your Best Effort.

vintage darling ( C ) at 2008-10-28

This poem was really well written.

my favourite stanza was:

Perhaps I will adopt and love them just the same,
why must we always be playing this senile game.
I'm not sure why I want to be a father so bad,
since I was sixteen it's a dream that I've had.

i especially liked the second line.
it was so descriptive and well thought out.

i can feel the yearning and desire in the poem,
good job :)


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