Comments - Learning to Dance in the Rain.

Tortillitas ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-20

Lovely poem truly wonderful....it's a feeling that every chick wants to have or be at it...great job

Italian Stallion ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-20

Wow, wonderful write. The flow and structure was fantastic.

The only thing I noticed about the structure of the poem was the way you ended it, I don't mean the wording that was fine, I mean the length of the stanza, all the stanzas were 5 lines long, but at the end it was only 2 lines. But in some poetry that is fine and actually helps with the ending, making it short and to the point, to theoretically "punch you in the face." Which I liked with yours.

Overall a wonderfully thought out poem with tons of emotion, I deff. could relate and it brought tears to my eyes since the person I was thinking about while reading this has passed away.

Peace, Joe

Broken HeartxBroken MindxBroken ( F C D ) at 2008-11-20

*applause* woot! I LOVE this poem. :)

"Droplets of rain fall down upon our bodies,
splashing randomly on the cold ground,
drenching our clothes as we dance close.
Your arms securely wrapped around my waist,
my hands gently placed upon your shoulders."

^^^ The immagery in this first stanza is impeccable. I could feel the rain that fell on these two lovers.


"Your guiding steps direct me through the puddles,
as we dance seductively to the rhythm of the rain.
Your delicate fingers run through my coarse brown hair,
then cup my oval shape face as you stare attentively
into my gorgeous blue eyes, yearning a passionate kiss."

^^^ How freaking adorable! Again, the immagery in this is amazing. The couple dances all around my mind when I read it.


"Suddenly you press your delicate lips upon mine,
luring me in closer, keeping me warm within your arms.
My ear placed perfectly on your heart listening to the beat,
as it sings to me those three words I love to hear.
Embraced so tight, forever in your arms I will remain."

^^^ The feeling you express in this stanza flows out with each word you use. Your vocabulary is notthing out of the ordinary but the way that you put thses words together is absolutely incredible.


"The beautiful smell of love lingers throughout the air,
as two lovers learn to dance in the everlasting rain."

^^^ What a cute way to end this poem. I like the switch you did from first person to third. It really adds to the impressive immagery in your poem.


All in all, this is one of the best poems I have read in a long time. The flow is perfect, and the words you choose to use aren't so abnormal that it would distract the reader from the purpose of this peice of writing. *clicks to add to favorites*
Well done, 5/5.

~Stefanie

[ Praised by Courageous Dreamer | Approved by Italian Stallion ]

Empathy ( C D ) at 2008-11-20

Flush and wonderfully executed. Love seems to be a very extensive thing for you write about, and you do a very nice job describing it's various forms. The imagery was always precise in my head as I read this poem. I found it to be very enjoyable to read. Nice work.

His Angel ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-21

Great poem. I really loved the wording and the picture that it painted in my mind as I read it. What girl wouldn't want something like that =) The flow was very good. The length of the poem was a good one. I almost wish that it was longer. I gave this poem a 5/5.

simplyfrigid ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-21

I really loved this poem. You did an amazing job writing this, and I know it's hard to write love poems. It takes a lot of emotion and such - which is usually what they're lacking. but, this one wasn't. You did a wonderful job. The changes below are mainly dealing with the flow and just minor ones that sound better when reading out loud (and silently as well).

Droplets of rain fall down upon our bodies,
splashing randomly on the cold ground,
drenching our clothes as we dance close.
Your arms securely wrapped around my waist,
my hands gently placed upon your shoulders.

[ Droplets of rain fall down upon our bodies,
splashing randomly to the cold ground,
drenching our clothes as we dance so close.
Arms securely wrapped around my waist,
my hands gently placed upon your shoulders.]

** As you can see I've made a few changes. The reason I changed 'on' to 'to' is because you have upon in the first line and that way it's not overused. 'so' in the third line makes it more powerful and taking out 'Your" just flowed better. I wasn't too fond of the last two lines in this stanza, I think they lacked a bit of emotion. Maybe not, though.

Your guiding steps direct me through the puddles,
as we dance seductively to the rhythm of the rain.
Your delicate fingers run through my coarse brown hair,
then cup my oval shape face as you stare attentively
into my gorgeous blue eyes, yearning a passionate kiss.

[Your guiding steps direct me through the puddles,
as we dance seductively to the rhythm of the rain.
Your delicate fingers run through my coarse, brown hair,
then cup my oval shaped face as you stare attentively
within my gorgeous blue eyes, yearning for a passionate kiss.]

** A few changes for flows sake.

Suddenly you press your delicate lips upon mine,
luring me in closer, keeping me warm within your arms.
My ear placed perfectly on your heart listening to the beat,
as it sings to me those three words I love to hear.
Embraced so tight, forever in your arms I will remain.

[Suddenly you press your delicate lips upon mine,
luring me in, keeping me warm inside your arms.
My ear placed perfectly on your heart listening to the beat,
as it sings to me those three words I love to hear.
Embraced so tight, forever in your arms I will remain.]

** The changes in the second line just sound better and the rest is because the lack of emotion and/or the flow.

The beautiful smell of love lingers throughout the air,
as two lovers learn to dance in the everlasting rain.

** I love those lines. Maybe the last one take out "the" where it states "...dance in the everlasting rain."

[ Praised by Courageous Dreamer | Approved by Italian Stallion ]

Sylvia ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-21

Beautiful and romantic. Wonderful to love someone that much and it shows in the words you used to write this poem. Excellent. 5/5

BREE aw NUHH ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-22

"Droplets of rain fall down upon our bodies,
splashing randomly on the cold ground,
drenching our clothes as we dance close.
Your arms securely wrapped around my waist,
my hands gently placed upon your shoulders."

~ Aw, a beautiful image in my mind. You've described perfectly two lovers holding each other in the rain. It's a gorgeous picture, I must say. You word choice was great, too.

"Your guiding steps direct me through the puddles,
as we dance seductively to the rhythm of the rain.
Your delicate fingers run through my coarse brown hair,
then cup my oval shape face as you stare attentively
into my gorgeous blue eyes, yearning a passionate kiss."

~ So emotional here. I love every line of it. Again, your word choice is fabulous. You use just the right words, but you don't over do it at all.

"Suddenly you press your delicate lips upon mine,
luring me in closer, keeping me warm within your arms.
My ear placed perfectly on your heart listening to the beat,
as it sings to me those three words I love to hear.
Embraced so tight, forever in your arms I will remain."

~ My favourite part of the poem. The third & fourth lines make the entire poem for me. To me, that is one of the most beautiful things a couple can do, is listen to the heartbeats of one another.

"The beautiful smell of love lingers throughout the air,
as two lovers learn to dance in the everlasting rain."

~ Wow. An amazing way to end the poem. You brought it to a close at the right time, and it wasn't too abrupt. IN this piece, you do a perfect job of describing the relationship of these two people.

Five out of five. [5/5]

Briana

[ Praised by Courageous Dreamer | Approved by Italian Stallion ]

Composed Catastrophe ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-25

You painted such a cute picture! honestly that was adorable i loved it it makes me want a guy that cares about me like that you did an amazing job i hope you won the contest
5/5 ! definetly

Mr Darcy ( F P C D ) at 2008-11-26

Temps,

you can't beat falling in love to bring out the heart of a poet..:O)

Droplets of rain fall down upon our bodies,
splashing randomly on the cold ground,
drenching our clothes as we dance close.
Your arms securely wrapped around my waist,
my hands gently placed upon your shoulders.
^
I imagine this scene like an opening scene of a Hollywood film. Camera pans in to a couple dancing close..I also imagine it being late, perhaps on a busy train platform. ...the camera slowly moves in closer, rain has drenched their clothes and hair falls in soaked tendrils; the rain and the crowd are of no significance as their dance, their moment is all that exists. In the foreground large droplets of rain splash into larger puddles; people, commuters with umbrellas walk around the pair as they dance close, dance slowly around, only seeing each others love in one anotherâs eyes.

Your guiding steps direct me through the puddles,
as we dance seductively to the rhythm of the rain.
Your delicate fingers run through my coarse brown hair,
then cup my oval shape face as you stare attentively
into my gorgeous blue eyes, yearning a passionate kiss.
^
This is incredible..can I make one suggestion though? Course hair, not sure that is a loving description..how about drenched brown hair, or wet velvet hair? Just an idea. Anyway, I digress..The man is shown here as a gentleman, he takes the lead when dancing, leading away from puddles, but there is more significance to this line...here is a man who is trustworthy, a man who will protect her, safeguard her heart as if it was his own. The camera is close up now, both faces dripping with the cold rain, both eyes fixed, both faces full of complete affection...his hands cupping her face, the anticipation is electric..will they kiss, the audience presume this must be their first if they do!


Suddenly you press your delicate lips upon mine,
luring me in closer, keeping me warm within your arms.
My ear placed perfectly on your heart listening to the beat,
as it sings to me those three words I love to hear.
Embraced so tight, forever in your arms I will remain.
^
Yes!!! He kisses her and she gladly returns his affection. She holds him and now no longer on tip-toe she listens to his love, his heart and feels its truth and it warms her like a comforting caress of blanket. His arms wrapped around her delicate frame..safe at last..happy at last!!


The beautiful smell of love lingers throughout the air,
as two lovers learn to dance in the everlasting rain.
^
The camera finally pans out, the pair still dancing, but now the rain has stopped and people are smiling and dawn is breaking. The camera, still panning out captures a sunrise, a deep orange sky, its rays spreading across a new sky..a new day has begun...The End

A wonderful write, full of love and passion.

((hugs))

Michael

[ Praised by Courageous Dreamer | Approved by Italian Stallion ]

Youre Too Serious ( F C D ) at 2008-12-01

Bloody beautiful. Congratulations on the win!

Peace Love and Pixie Dust ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-02

The beautiful smell of love lingers throughout the air,
as two lovers learn to dance in the everlasting rain.

Wow Temps. This HAD to be my fav line. The emotion was great, and the flow was wonderful. No wonder you won!
<3 Krista

Nawa ( F P C ) at 2008-12-04

An amazing poem, def. one of my favorites and one of the best I have ever read !!
Your words made the scene alive and the love spoken off so vital and strong.

"The beautiful smell of love lingers throughout the air,
as two lovers learn to dance in the everlasting rain. "

Beautiful words, true meaning, amazingly well written.
You totally deserve the win, congrats !!
Keep up your amazing work.

ether ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-05

Whoever downvoted this can go suck something not so nice.

Amazing poem Temps! I'm honoured to be on the front page with you =]

Cache Logan at 2008-12-07

Very sweet poem... thank you for sharing you heart with us....

Italian Stallion ( F P C D ) at 2008-12-23

Wow, excellent write with so much imagery and feeling within. Your choice of words was simple yet had a deep impact against the reader. The flow was flawless in my opinion as well as the structure. Overall a nice write, Keep up the great writes.

Peace, Joe

No Need For A Name ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-06

Too much detail leaves you feeling emotionless and plastic. Detail does not make good poetry, which many people on this site have to learn. Simplicity is bliss. Sorry

Peace and prosperity,

(RKD)

No Need For A Name ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-06

Too much detail leaves you feeling emotionless and plastic. Detail does not make good poetry, which many people on this site have to learn. Simplicity is bliss. Sorry

Peace and prosperity,

(RKD)

No Need For A Name ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-06

Too much detail leaves you feeling emotionless and plastic. Detail does not make good poetry. Simplicity is bliss. Sorry

Peace and prosperity,

(RKD)

P.S. Apologies if this is a duplicate comment, my computer is acting up.

Digg ( P ) at 2009-02-06

I absolutely adored your poem, theres one thing I like more in poems I read then anything, it's a sound visual of what Im reading.

And you gave us that and so much more. You can literally feel that passion jumping off the page and I'd like to thank you for posting such a beautiful piece.


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