kelleyana ( F P C D )
at 2008-12-30
Very deep and emotional write that came streight from the heart. This is what we called the feelings of real love. I like it. Well done, 5/5, kel.
mysterious ( C D )
at 2009-01-15
Short and sweet...cute...nicely done :)
Valedico ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-10
Hey I'm Danny, hope you don't mind me looking through your work! :]
'You are a part of every thought,
On my mind when I'm awake.'
Nice opening, sets the scene, lets the reader know what the poem is going to be about.
Honesty makes this poem successful, as it's quite raw and it's as if we're experiencing your emotions for real.
'You are a part of every inhale and exhale,
Of the breath that I take.'
I think 'Of the breath that I take' could be rephrased, perhaps reword the line above and make it 'of every breath that I take' because it flows better.
'You are a part of every sigh,
From my lips that escapes.'
That second line didn't make sense to me, sorry. I do like what you're getting at here, but I find myself waiting for the poem to make it's point though, you can't leave your reader hanging on :]
'You are a part of every shiver,
That runs through my body when I shake.
And you are a part of every beat,
In which my heart makes.'
Don't force rhyme here, 'heart makes' is bad grammar, don't replace grammar for rhyme.
I'm really sorry if that seemed like I was having a go, or just being mean for the sake of it. Just I see potential here, and it needs some tweaking but it's good, don't get me wrong, I don't waste my time commenting on poems that arent going to get any better.
Nice work :]
Danny
i love your laugh ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-12
I love this poem....i can relate to the feeling which i really like :]
Emma Wallis ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-05
I like the style and the flow off the poem, makes it unique, 5/5. Em xx
Grant Gilbert AKA Slash ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-16
That was short and to the point, well written and something to which i can relate oh so well.
A lovely sentimental poem.
Well done
Grant
On Cupids Bad Side ( F C )
at 2009-11-04
Again, beautifully written.
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