FiighT In Th3 SnoW ( F D )
at 2009-01-23
Wow i don't even know what to say this was beautiful
i'm going to add it to my favorites 5/5.
Composed Catastrophe ( F P C D )
at 2009-01-23
Listening to music is what i do
but it only makes me think of you
I'm missing you already
but i listening very quite and steady
^^"i" should be "I'm" "quite" should be "quietly" and "steady" should be "steadily" the third line was so much shorter and sort of random maybe toy with it a bit to make it fit better and be a little longer
Ok besides my suggestions : ) I thought this was a pretty good opening i mean so many people are going to be able to relate to the listening to music but only being able to think of that one person no matter what song it is
sounds of love floating in the air
I'm wondering who will care
on the couch is where I lay
running through what happened today
^^ i think you put this up for the club poem : ) but i liked this stanza the flow was unique here not bad just different i liked it though ! the only suggestion here would to be trying to keep the lines around the same length it really helps the reader stay focused on your words and what you are saying
your only gone for the weekend
messages is what i will send
waiting here till then
I'll stay here quite in my den
^^ aww...you miss him!!! i think you wrote about this in the stress thread : ) but anyway....it is a very cute stanza just watch the lines lengths again
i don't know how i really feel
is this fake or is this real
the way you hug me oh so tight
makes me sleep soundly through the night
^^ well this sounds like quite a little problem! i think if you miss him this much...there might be something there i mean i wouldn't miss someone unless i cared about them ! sometimes your actions that you do with out thinking about them ((the automatic ones like missing someone or smiling really big when you see them)) tell you a lot about your real feelings inside
listening to your caring heart beat
touching your leg with my feet
slowly kissing you goodnight
i hope i don't lose the fight
^^ i was distracted here by how the stanzas lines seemed to descend...besides that the flow was there and you painted a cute and cuddly type of picture in my mind : ) which i liked because it made me think of the guy i like and just automatically put a smile on my face
broken hearted for to long
listening to sad sad songs
you bought happiness back into my life
from now on I forget the knife
^^i wouldn't repeat the word "sad" in the second line you don't need it "bought" in the third line should be "brought" wow...the last line was powerful if someone has that type of affect on you i am betting there are some real sparks and genuine chemistry is there !
i want to love you
but I don't know how to
will you brake me like the last
will you help me forget the past
^^great questions i mean i think a lot of girls have thought that before but think about it good things in life don't happen easily and all the bad things that happen in life eventually lead to a good thing : ) everything happens for a reason and you just have to take some chances and see where it takes you!
slowly bring me back to life
keep me from getting in strife
mend this broken heart of mine
stop me from crossing the line
^^this stanza seemed too forced for me like the rhyming was to forced...just my opinion though!!! the ideas were great for the ending though!!!
overall maybe just work on keeping the lines around the same length
5/5 though cause i thought it was cute and heartfelt!
crimson regret ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-08
Amazing poem, alot of emotions in this one. well done.
oX BlueberryMuffinz Xo ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-11
Very emotional piece, flowed well and your wording was excellent. Loved this write very much. I really enjoy your poetry. You have a lot of talent. Nice work. 5/5 xxx
Nikki Stoner ( F P C )
at 2009-07-26
I can totally relate to this. I think you did an amazing job, beautiful. 5/5.
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