Hollymariee ( F C D )
at 2009-02-10
The beginning is really cliche .. And there are some issues with the flow , but deeper into the poem the ideas become more yours , and it gets really cute . I like the image words you have in there .. It helps the readers . 4/5 :) , good job .
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-12
Raw emotion painted with fantastic imagery, portrayed with such graceful wording. Fantastic write, I fully enjoyed reading it. The flow and structure overall was good. Keep up the wonderful writes.
Peace, Joe
Mr Darcy ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-12
Hello,
I thought I would comment in-depth on this one..
Title:
A powerful image of a person with so much to say, but is so intensely scared that such words would mortally wound, even kill?
Stanza 1:
Here we have 3 rhyming couplets expressing desire for another. You have a talent for creating imagery and felt emotion. From a smile that brightens your day, to being stuck tar, each one is clearly expressed and so imagined. The reader wants this person to find the confidence to be who they need to be.
Stanza 2:
Such affectionate references that made me tingle. A smile that has the power to physically weaken a person is powerful - Now that is a hell of a grin. Your descriptions of eyes are so vivid and induce the intensity that I am sure you wanted to portray. Well done.
Stanza 3:
It is so clear, the frustrated anguish in every line. It matters not what others say when a heart has its mind set, does it? I liked the chalk reference, so true of how a voice collapses in a mouth that is dying to talk but cannot.
Stanza 4:
A couplet singled out. By doing this it makes it stand out from the rest of the text.
It a little bit of stubbornness - no you can't go, we haven't had our chance!
Stanza 5:
This has elevated this person of such adoration into outer space, he's a star and he is being requested to shine his splendour down.
I laughed at the petulant part: Patient, I'm not! It really gives this part a real sense of too much time has past and it is about time he made his move, but I fear that the real frustration is a reflection of how you feel about yourself, maybe?
Final 2 couplets:
I feel that this poem doesn't need these. They come across differently, desperate even. Maybe a stanza where he is reassured that he would be accepted and loved for who he is, no matter what.
Well done on this poem
Michael
[ Praised by : A Phine To Sour Skittles ]
Abortion Stops A Beating Heart ( F P C D )
at 2009-02-17
Excellent and straight-forward piece, just wanting him to show is real self, great emotions that were very heartfelt and real.
"Despite the butterflies, I'm dying to speak.
Oh your sweet smile, its light makes me weak.
Your eyes are warm honey in a soft brown sea,
the times our eyes meet, you nearly drown me."
I love the imagery here, and throughout this piece you reall write exactly what you feel, and it just made this poem come alive! Fantastic descriptions and this was a fun and loving poem to read. Keep up the good work, 5/5 from me. Take care and God Bless!
simplyfrigid ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-03
"Your eyes are warm honey in a soft brown sea,"
- For some reason I think this is lacking - and not so much syllable wise, rather descriptiveness. I'd try something like;
[Your eyes are warm like honey in a hazelnut sea]
... Or something along those lines. Hazelnut is a bit darker than honey, but there's always butterscotch or other concrete descriptions rather than 'soft brown'.
Other than that line the poem seems to flow nicely and is written quite wonderfully. A few spots are a bit iffy w/details and flow but I honestly think it's all the commas and exclamation points your threw around. It's definitely not a good thing to throw exclamation points around. Commas aren't as bad but they're still not good to put anywhere you want. They have certain places. A hint for the exclamation points - use them rarely AND in the perfect spots. When you feel you need more than one in a few lines, make sure! Usually you don't, they make a huge point in writing and you don't want it all to be extremely strong w/those.
Overall you've a decent poem, not much to complain about. I'm not one for longer lines, though yours aren't that long. I actually adored the length of them. The difference in stanza size helped a bit. It wasn't choppy, rather clever. And, the meaning to it is quite relatable and refreshing to see that someone accepts others for who they are because of chemistry.
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