Beautiful Chaos ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-11
Absolutely beautiful Illum!!! A terrific read from beginning to end.
I love the opening stanza, especially the first line, you automatically have my attention.
For there is nothing I mold
Can resemble you
Still I etch these whispering soul-tears
Into the empty pages of my life
For your existence has lit up my darkness
And I have become a bleeding pen
This however was my favorite part of the whole piece. Even though we may never capture the true essence of our inspiration, we continue to try and hope to touch touch even a whisper.
Very nice.
Valedico ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-11
'I pour light into words
And upon my Soul's Lips
They break unto sweet notes
Yet, my love cannot be heard
From these faithful verses
For it is unutterable by
A Mortal Poet'
There's some nice images and words you painted here, although I don't know why 'Soul's Lips' is capitalised, nor do I know why the start of each line is capitalised. 'A mortal poet' was great. It gave the narrator a personality, almost.
'I call you a Beautiful Queen
And trace your heavenly outlines
With blazing images of passion
Yet, my creation is pallid
Unworthy to gaze upon
For there is nothing I mold
Can resemble you'
There's not much I get from the first three lines. The first two were somewhat cliched, but the last two were interesting, it echoed the previous stanza. We get a feeling of hopelessness as a reader, and I'm sure we can relate to wanting somebody but no matter what you do will never be good enough, they always feel out of reach, almost.
'Still I etch these whispering soul-tears
Into the empty pages of my life
For your existence has lit up my darkness
And I have become a bleeding pen
In Love's hand'
Soul tears reminded me of soul's lips on the first stanza, and unless you're trying to give the soul as many human body parts as possible, I don't think it works. Perhaps a different phrase here? I liked the way you related the poem, consistently to your work not being good enough, it'd be nice to finish on a high note, I suppose.
'Writing, night after night,
When you are a sleep
So when dawn welcomes your beauty
I can lay these verses at your feet
To let your eyes read about The One
You keep turning away from '
Strong ending, probably my favourite bit of the poem, quite a somewhat...sad ending, but it shows the narrator's persistence which I liked. Quite a bit too many 'your's' in this stanza though. But we all get carried away with personal pronoun sometimes.
A good write all the same.
NyellMoonlight ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-12
I can deeply relate to this write, and I think that you conveyed the message of the poem here excellently. Whole piece has serene tone, and I like your choice of words from the beginning to the end. I always liked amazing atmosphere that you can create in every poem of yours and this one is not an exception.
- I pour light into words
And upon my Soul's Lips
They break unto sweet notes -
^^^
Captivating and beautiful beginning, able to pull the reader deeply into the write. I like the capitalization of the first letters for Souls Lips, that simple effect highlighted the message of the introduction to this wonderful piece. The connection with the last stanza [Soul Lips/soul tears] is also very effective.
The second stanza is my favorite one, because it's filled with warmth and sincerity, intertwined with heartfelt emotions.
Great write.
debbylyn ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-13
Oh Alfred...I love your romantic verses about the soul of a poet...the angst of unrequited love is felt in every line...
"Yet, my love cannot be heard
From these faithful verses
For it is unutterable by
A Mortal Poet"
^Exactly! So hard to capture the feelings in words...beautifully stated!
"For there is nothing I mold
Can resemble you"
^ and how the poet tries...without success to capture his love in words and pictures....I love this line!
"Still I etch these whispering soul-tears
Into the empty pages of my life
For your existence has lit up my darkness
And I have become a bleeding pen
In Love's hand
Writing, night after night,
When you are a sleep
So when dawn welcomes your beauty
I can lay these verses at your feet
To let your eyes read about The One
You keep turning away from "
^the sadness and frustration of the poet bleeds from this verse...I love the way you've portrayed writing as a bleeding pen and the persistance of the writer ...
Nice job! Take care, Debbie
[ Praised by : Cindy ]
Cindy ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-14
Alfred
How much sadness can one endure...Your words cry for a love that is not returned. Great imagery and word choices.
Still I etch these whispering soul-tears
Into the empty pages of my life
For your existence has lit up my darkness
And I have become a bleeding pen
In Love's hand
Writing, night after night,
When you are a sleep
So when dawn welcomes your beauty
I can lay these verses at your feet
To let your eyes read about The One
You keep turning away from
This verse brings tears to my eyes. Maybe one day she will see the wonderful man we all see.
Just beautiful!
Cindy
[ Praised by : debbylyn ]
Kira ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-16
I pour light into words
And upon my Soul's Lips
They break unto sweet notes
Yet, my love cannot be heard
From these faithful verses
For it is unutterable by
A Mortal Poet
^^^ Wow what a beautiful opening for a poem, nice imaginery you have depicted here.
It totally draws me into the poem even more. I like how you used mortal poet here
with the contrast of the those heavenly-like words.
I call you a Beautiful Queen
And trace your heavenly outlines
With blazing images of passion
Yet, my creation is pallid
Unworthy to gaze upon
For there is nothing I mold
Can resemble you
^^^Another amazing stanza, I like how you describe your lover.A mortal yet
nothing on the face of the earth is like her.
Still I etch these whispering soul-tears
Into the empty pages of my life
For your existence has lit up my darkness
And I have become a bleeding pen
In Love's hand
Writing, night after night,
When you are a sleep
So when dawn welcomes your beauty
I can lay these verses at your feet
To let your eyes read about The One
You keep turning away from
^^^I love the ending. It gave me this feeling of serenity yet fills me glowing feeling that
in put into your life.I can visualize the whole scene and the whole anticipation for you to
read those sweet lovely words to her
Overall I must say i'm really impressed with this piece. I find that you have carefully crafted
this piece til perfection.
Excellent Job
soso ( F C D )
at 2009-03-18
How much I missed your tender verses!
I believe without them, the site would be of less brightness, warmth...I mean every word Cyrano.
The sad feeling I felt here is the the same one "Black in Black" evoked in me...
The last four lines move mountains, who won't be touched, by such sincerity?
Thank you for sharing your art.
Best wishes for you...
Side Effects ( F P C D )
at 2009-03-23
"I pour light into words
And upon my Soul's Lips"
"And trace your heavenly outlines
With blazing images of passion"
"And I have become a bleeding pen
In Love's hand"
When reading this poem certain lines stood out. I liked how you didn't over try. You let certain lines grip the reader and let the other parts of the stanza's fall into place. The above lines are the ones that stood out for me
A balanced write
5/5
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