Luanne ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-07
Congrats on the song title challenge win hun, I am so very proud of you !!!!
touching the fringes of
the invisible,
and painting their way into
the ebony of
the night.
Never knowing if
they are sinking into darkness
or
advancing
towards light.
^^^
Loved this part Nor !!!
-a memory caught in
glass
^^^
My favorite part ... very unique!
You took your title and ran with it .... creating a wonderful piece Norhan !!!!
Wonderful read !
[ Praised by : sluvious ]
T e m p s ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-08
"Sitting infront of you,
Dizzy thoughts sail
- like
smoke rings-"
`This is a very strong beginning, I really loved the "dizzy thoughts swirl" and the simile that followed "like smoke rings" - Very original!
"touching the fringes of the invisible,
and painting their way into the ebony of
the night"
`I'm really impresed on how things are worded here.. I see a tad bit of personification here...possibly. I also loved the usage of ebony, you didnt use something boring like dark or black.
"Never knowing if
they are sinking into darkness
or
advancing towards light
like when half asleep feelings
bury themselves into
paper"
`I loved the simile here as well! I really dont have a favorite line in this poem yet.. I'm speechless. "feelings bury themselves into paper" - I love the usage of bury here.. impressive...
"or
it's it
that has shaped them
a shroud"
`It's it sounds awkward when you read it, but I get what youre saying. Is there any other way to reword this?
One last thing Id like to mention is the style and layout of the poem.. very original and helped immensely with the flow.
Well done!
The title is amazing!
5/5.
Temps
[Beyond a Poets Mind]
[ Praised by : ]
Nema ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-09
Forgetfullness
^^
Why do you insist on writing it that way? lol j.k
you probably should correct it.
a lovely poem indeed =) and I loved the new ending more than the other one.
Never knowing if
it's them who shaped it
or
it's it
that has shaped them...
I'm in love with this part..love the imagery you put here. well done.
Tonight
I sit
watching you
I kinda don't like the "watching you" part.
I would probably say it:
Tonight
I sit
a watcher
(or a spectator)
it just feels so you this way, hehe.
But overall, an awesome piece :)
Write on !!
sluvious ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-11
Um, got a light?
this was hot, one can actually see the smoke drifting, greatly detailed and a remarkable image you've painted.....very nice
billy rob ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-12
"their dwelling used as
tombs
and their bodies
pinned
to the ground
Never knowing if
it's them who shaped it
or
it's it
that has shaped them..."
It's a shame you don't post more. I say post because i know you have to write quite often. The beauty of your words give that away. This was quite beautiful and excellently penned. A very well done to you, dear poet. Billy Rob
MauLicioOous ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-15
I know every piece you write will always leave impression, in fact, perfect impression...
Hands up Norhan!!! I loved everything about in this piece..This is a work of art especially the title..Your shining above all especially in this style of poetry..
The sequences in each and every stanza were amazing. It gave the readers where to stop or change the tune of the poem.
Never knowing if
they are sinking into darkness
or
advancing towards
light
The IF in the end of the first line was very powerful, giving the impression to pause even if there is no comma that makes the next line mystifying. I loved as well the just one word OR between lines. Brilliant!!!
Just to rest my forehead
upon your skin,
and kiss your lips after
absence.
Painfully beautiful...Very deep and touching. Painted thousands words and emotions...
Good luck Girlie!!!
Mer Divinity ( F C D )
at 2009-04-18
I almost forgot to comment this. :) It's very beautifully written, and I'm glad you won the contest for it. :)) You did a beautiful job on this, and it is rendered so well! I love the emotions you employ. :) 5/5
Bri~
Luanne ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-20
CONGRATSSSSSSSSSSSSS NOR !
Very deserving of the front pages hun .... I am soooooooooooooooo proud of you ~hugs~
Minkus ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-20
This was a seriously cool poem. The parallelism of the first two sections was interesting, and the final part really illuminates the setting of the speaker and what the poem's really about, staring at a picture of a loved one and missing them so terribly... nearly asleep, and ready to dream of a reunion. The separation of "absence" really emphasizes its importance and how it fills up your mind and heart, pushing everything else aside... Definitely 5/5.
MauLicioOous ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-20
Congrats Norhan..Wohoooooooooo!!!
Antidote To Love ( F P C )
at 2009-04-23
Never knowing if
it's them who shaped it
or
it's it
that has shaped them...
- a shroud -
after reading these lines i was stunned for some seconds............ damn perfect.....
and with all due respect , it would sound more perfect if you use the word Oblivion instead forgetfulness !! what do you say ?
Side Effects ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-24
You wrote with care. I liked how you took the title on 5/5
Rachel ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-26
I love your word choice. The piece has a very interesting structure. It is thought provoking and definetly grabs the readers attention and keeps it. The only suggestion I have for you is:
^clinging to a cord
which have been
worn thin^
Since it is A cord, it should read has been. If it was clinging to cordS, then it would be have been.
You get extra props since English isn't your first language and you use it better than some who's native language is English.
Excellent job Norhan!
[ Praised by : ]
Melpomene ( F P C D )
at 2009-04-26
Norhan,
Where to start with this piece. I absolutely adored it. I just want to say congrats on the win, this was definitly deserving. You know i've come to adore your poetry, also the other piece that you wrote that won was a favorite of mine. You have been writing so elegantly and this piece is definitly an example of this. I thought that the way you wrote each line was filled with so much innocence and to me that made this piece breath taking. You know I loved the imagery you created here. For some reason I literally could see smoke floating across a redish pink background. It was pretty stunning and also for some reason created a very steamy feel over the atmosphere.
"- like
smoke rings-"
I adored that. Just the way you have written it is so elegant. The format of this piece added to the elegance. I felt as though this poem could be read in a whisper and it would still created such a sexy and elegant feeling. Again, the imagery like I said above though foggy smoke rings I could picture of such a warm background. Floating over the water or something along those lines. Breath taking.
"touching the fringes of
the invisible,
and painting their way into
the ebony of
the night"
Those lines to me are also wonderful. They give a sense of loss but at the same time they drag you in if you know what I mean. Imagery was so beautiful yet again I see these smoke rings painted into my mind over and over with two people held underneath them in a long embrace. In love. Nicely written.
"-a memory caught in
glass-"
To me this was really clever. I think you let your imagination run wild in this poem. To me it was simple and yet so complex the feelings you allowed me to portray through each line you wrote. I picture here a crystal ball filled with smokey memories. I don't know what made you think of that line but it was amazing. Love your cleverness here. It was definitly shown.
I believe you worked brilliantly with this title. Definitly interesting. You picked a good one.
"clinging to a cord
which have been
worn thin"
I actually thought the alliteration within these lines was great. It reminded me of a piece of silk that is slowly fraying but still coiled like a snake. I liked the meaning within these lines. How you have been apart for so long the pain has been so bad that it has frayed your hope but yet you hold on to the last strand in hopes oh his return. Well that's how I just imagine it anyway.
I also loved this line.
"-a mummified falcon-"
I know in Egypt the falcon is a symbol for rising sun, it is also a symbol for many other things in different cultures. If it is the Egyptian meaning I think it works well into the poem. It's beautiful and created a sense of hope in my opinion.
Overal Nor this was an excellent piece. You write so well in english and create amazing poems. Well done. -Mel
[ Praised by : ]
Dirctly Implied ( F C D )
at 2009-07-09
What a talented writer. I hung on every word for each one brought more to the poem added textures and emotion.
Well done
Emma Wallis ( F P C D )
at 2009-10-10
Powerful and emotional. I loved the style and flow of this, very unique as always. 5/5, Em
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