Comments

Abortion Kills Children ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-21

"Raindrops cannot cleanse these eyes
For I wish they held the remedy
To erase the story scripted within
And the thunder might mask
The cries of "I loved you" but
I am witness to my own collapse"

Wow, I miss reading your poetry Bliss, because this was such a breathtaking opening for me. Your words flowed so perfectly and stunned the reader. Excellent emotions expressed, I could clearly see what you were feeling. The first three lines were creative, you wanted the rain to hold that solution, that remedy, to erase that story, etc....Beautiful job so far.

"Grant my urge to purge this love"

Well-worded, I felt like "purge" and "grant" were the opposite of cliche, I don't hear those words used often. That's why they were perfect here, wonderful!

"Fleeing into the unknown with nothing
But a promise of a better tomorrow
Yet my faith is on life support
And you hold the power
To turn...
...off...
...the light."

I enjoy the form and style of this poem, its different from the usual poems and its entrancing. You describe and portray your feelings and thoughts very well Bliss, without boring the reader and throwing them of track the least bit.

"Warped this thing called "love" truly is
For it takes an unsuspecting heart
And with every ounce of strength
Flings it into uncertainty..."

Wow, the descriptions here made me think, but you perfectly portrayed it.

"Flings it into uncertainty..." really gives off images and gives the reader thoughts to think about.

"In hope it grows wings to fly
But most rarely do"

Short but to the point, you clearly got your message across in these simple yet powerful two lines.

"For you reached your delicate fingers
In the crevice I'd forgot to close
And with one touch stole my spirit"

I have found in this piece so much unique wording, which I haven't heard before or rarely hear. That's what I really enjoy about this piece, and your other poems. They are never cliche but always fresh to the reader, giving them new concepts to ponder.

"I should have known...
Those words were too sweet
To hold truth...drizzled with charm
You were a master in your craft"

Seriously, I have no errors to point out, you are beyond talented Bliss and this is your best. "drizzled with charm" held so much meaning and imagery and the next line especially summed up that stanza just right.

"My heart yearned for the warmth
I'd forgotten how it felt
Although I'm sure it knew
That the flame was weakening"

Good feelings here, so heartfelt and the flow is right on target.

"Raindrops cannot cleanse what I've seen
And the thunder cannot erase mere utterance
But I can lock this memory
Swallow the key, like these many words
...left unsaid"

I like the little repitition you used above, the ending hit me in the good way. The last three lines were genius and left the reader satisfyed. I love how you said you were to lock this memory and swallow the key, I have never heard that before. That last line was powerful, two words that end this piece up brilliantly.

One of your best Bliss, I am nominating this for the front page. 5/5 from me, I absolutely love reading your work and I am glad I could be the first to comment!

Keep writing, always and forever...

~MaryAnne

[ Praised by : Blissful ]

Dark Savior ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-21

This is a good poem. i'm surprised that more people haven't visited it. I'm not sure why more comments, perhaps in time. Okay, onto my review of your poem.

Fleeing into the unknown with nothing
But a promise of a better tomorrow
Yet my faith is on life support
And you hold the power
To turn...
...off...
...the light.

Please don't use ....'s at your poem, it creates a pause that a lot of internet writers do, it's a bad habbit to get into and REALLY hard to get out of. You should use a , or a ; to cause a break even a period if you need one.

That being said. I felt that he poem was sort of lacking some structure, but that didn't take away from the poem, which in most times I feel it really really does. This one I felt that the structure didn't comp. the quality of the poem.

Very well done, I enjoyed the emotion, but also the comparisons and the metaphor's.

Very well done Bliss.

[ Praised by : Blissful ]

Italian Stallion ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-22

Bliss, I liked how you went back to what you wrote in the first stanza and wrapping it up in the final stanza, it tied it all together very nicely. Overall, there were a few cliched portions I felt, but then again what do you expect in a love poem? I myself, expect: raw tender emotion for the most part. Overall I thought this was a good sentimental piece of poetry that came from your heart.

'To turn...
...off...
...the light.'

Personally, I felt that this should've just been one line, why break it up? Expescially with '...' I don't feel that these words hold enough merit in themselves to beheld amongst the rest of the poem by themselves. For a word to be by itself, I feel it should hold more depth/meaning or contribute something else to the poem, which Just didn't see in this case, I don't maybe it's me, but that's what I was thinking.

Overall, This was a well written piece of poetry that came straight from the heart. It was raw and had tones of emotion that was portrayed vividly and was very easy to imagine. Great Job, keep up the fantastic work.

Peace, Joe

[ Praised by : Blissful ]

T e m p s ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-22

"Raindrops cannot cleanse these eyes
For I wish they held the remedy
To erase the story scripted within
And the thunder might mask
The cries of "I loved you" but
I am witness to my own collapse"
`I loved raindrops and thunder in this stanza, both used in a unique way .. good job taking an alternate route, instead of the path of cliche where you see 'teardrops' used. I think you can remove 'the' before cries, I dont think its really needed.. you can do without it.

"Grant my urge to purge this love"
`Loved this line.. I like how its sepearted and is its own line, it holds a lot of power and meaning, and it stands nicely alone.

"Fleeing into the unknown with nothing
But a promise of a better tomorrow
Yet my faith is on life support
And you hold the power
To turn...
...off...
...the light."
`Sometimes we do go into the next day with nothing but a promise for a better day, and thats just how it is. I was blown away by your clever wording of saying your faith was on life support, I could never have came up with something so clever.. I think saying its on life support speaks for itself! Now, where you said "To turn...off the..light." I dont think you need all your dots, it just slows down the piece and ruins the flow for me. I understand you did that to emphasize the meaning of it.. but.. I dont know if I would do that, taking the elipsis out and just keeping the format would be good enough, but with them in there, it kind of slows the poem down when you had such a great flow going. Just an opinion.

"Warped this thing called "love" truly is
For it takes an unsuspecting heart
And with every ounce of strength
Flings it into uncertainty...
In hope it grows wings to fly
But most rarely do"
`I really adored this stanza so very much. Loved the first line, kind of awkwardly phrasing it, but overall getting your point and opinion across that love is warped; loved when you said it flings the heart into uncertainty, absolutely great wording there, I love how you said the hope grows us wings to fly, absolutely the truth. When we have hope we do indeed feel wonderful like flying.

"For you reached your delicate fingers
In the crevice I'd forgot to close
And with one touch stole my spirit"
`Delicate is soo overused, but I cant think of another word you could possibly use so its fine! I think you could remove "and" and say.. "with one touch, stole my spirit" If you took and out you have to put a semicolon after close of the previous line

"I should have known...
Those words were too sweet
To hold truth...drizzled with charm
You were a master in your craft"
`Youve always been a true inspiration for me to fill my poems with originality, and thats because of the way you word things. I read your poems and find so many neat phrases Ive never heard of. 'Drizzled' and 'sweet' and 'charm' all complimented eachother very nicely.. loved loved LOVED 'drizzled with charm'

"My heart yearned for the warmth
I'd forgotten how it felt
Although I'm sure it knew
That the flame was weakening"
`I think you can do so much better with "My heart yearned for your warmth" .. reading 'drizzled with charm' then reading this really set me off personally cause it just wasnt up to your usual standards of originality.. the rest of it though was good, but I would rephrase your first line and put some Bliss originality into it if I were you.

"Raindrops cannot cleanse what I've seen
And the thunder cannot erase mere utterance
But I can lock this memory
Swallow the key, like these many words
...left unsaid"
`Powerful ending and a little like your first stanza.. I like when you connect your first stanza to the last.. and the meaning and thoughts go in the middle [body of the poem].. perfectly written.

Well done My Bliss.. you are one flawless poet!

Keep it up dear.
Always happy to read new poems from you.

5/5. Temps.

[ Praised by : Planned Parenthood Lies ]

Nema ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-22

"I am witness to my own collapse"
^shouldn't you put "a" before "witness" ?

"In the crevice I'd forgot to close"
^Shouldn't "forgot" be "forgotten" ..?

I loved the ending bliss :) and the title was pretty catchy.

"To hold truth...drizzled with charm
You were a master in your craft"
^Those lines were my fave =) great imagery in the first one!

Way to go sweets
Write on~

Jennifer RIP Lesthat Hayden ( F P C D ) at 2009-06-29

Good job Bliss. It's awesome. I really like the last stanza the best about raindrops not being able to cleanse what you've seen. Very powerful line.

5/5

Directly Implied ( F C D ) at 2009-07-24

Your poems inspire me to look deeper into my imagination.
I love the wording and the flow of this one. It's one of a kind in every way.
Very impressive and an inspiration to everyone in getting more creative

Emma Wallis ( F P C D ) at 2009-10-09

Very well written with alot of emotion and imagination. Very unique and inspiring. 5/5, Em

Giegielove ( F P ) at 2009-11-13

A very very nice poem...5/5 for you sweet poetic girly! keep the good work always.

Giegielove