Aish ( F P C D )
at 2009-06-25
Ok-first time through i found all the long losts to be a little tedious-but i read it again and have to admit it served its purpose-although there's a lot of them-it is the main mesg of the poem and is driven into the readers almost from start to finish-so after a cople of reads i cant hold that against it at all-and it didnt bother me after the first time.
besides that-love the message of imperminance-how very true! another great one alisha!
5 again hun
xx
soso ( F C D )
at 2009-06-25
This's beautiful, yet very sad and truthful...Nothing lasts forever, sometimes even the most precious relations.
Welcome back to the world of poetry dear.
Much love
Maya RIP Neda Salehi Agha Soltan ( F P C D )
at 2009-06-26
It has been a while since I last read your work, Alisha.
You are very right in what you say, nothing lasts forever..people die or go away or think they are better off with someone else...so sad, girl..but true, very true..
Good job with this:)
*hugs*
5/5 Ingrid
T e m p s ( F P C D )
at 2009-06-26
Second stanza - I dont like the repetitiveness of 'long lost' I know it emphasizes that they are gone, forever.. lost. Never coming back - but honestly I didnt like the repetition.. it became a bit annoying for me after one or two times or hearing it.
'But a very many relationships become long lost'
`You were quite repetitive with relationships in this stanza.. so maybe try to eliminate that somehow, this line wasnt phrased nicely at all.. you should have said something like maybe ' But few become long lost' - here, you eliminate 'relationships' which was repetitive already and cleear the confusion 'very many' was not correct, I think few sounds way better. Just a suggestion, or two (:
"Nothing ever lasts forever so why promise it?"
`Loved your question here, but just say 'Nothing lasts forever, so why promise it?' - [ take out ever ]
"No one can predict the future, it's hidden
Today is history and tomorrow's a mystery
And in a second, it ALL can become long lost"
`I loved your ideas here, very true indeed that you cant predict your future, you cant see it either.. the last line I think you should say.. 'And in a second, it ALL can be gone.' - I didnt like long lost here, I thought it set things off a bit, and didnt sound that great to be honest.
Other than that, a good write.. you definatly had some nice thoughts and feelings on this topic.
Good job, but definatly a poem I would revise it it were mine.. I hope I didnt sound too harsh.. just trying to better my critique skills.
Temps :]
[ Praised by : Alisha x Discreet Evil xx ]
Lost and Bound in Pain ( F P D )
at 2009-06-30
Oooo loved it especially the last two lines. Today is history tomorrow a mistery so true so true. Thats officially become one of my fave lines
JAZMIN ( F P C D )
at 2009-07-01
Wow!! This was very good!! I have to say that I LOVED that last two lines "Today is hisotry,tomorrow a mystery" I have to agree on that!!
Great job!!
PinkyPrincess ( F C )
at 2009-07-02
I really like this poem. I think you honestly wrote about your feelings and with this poem, you really make people go back to reality. It's true that everyone thinks their happy relationship will last forever and that they'll live happily ever after but in this poem, you point out that it might not last. And I like that, you're being open and honest! Good job with this.
I especially loved the last stanza:
"Nothing ever lasts forever so why promise it?
No one can predict the future, it's hidden
Today is history and tomorrow's a mystery
And in a second, it ALL can become long lost"
TheBarefootedCowgirl ( F C )
at 2009-12-08
"Nothing ever lasts forever so why promise it?
No one can predict the future, it's hidden
Today is history and tomorrow's a mystery
And in a second, it ALL can become long lost"
LOVE LOVE LOVE this part! great poem!
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