Ingrid ( F P C D )
at 2009-07-14
Somehow so much more of you, as a person, is shining through in this verse, MaryAnne. I think Temps gave you some very solid advice when she told you to go free verse..
Our inseparable souls
Weave melodies filled
With sentimental lyrics
That were engraved upon
Angels' satin wings
^^
Most beautiful stanza in the poem, but in fact all stanza's were written very eloquently!
Rock on, girl:)
*hugs*
5/5 Ingrid
Kiko ( F C )
at 2009-07-14
Wow MaryAnne!
This is a totally awesome write. You have made a giant leap in your expressive poetic abilities here. Great use of language and metaphor.
The only suggestion I would have is to leave off the the last stanza. The stanza prior to it is the perfect ending for the poem:
"As night rolls in
With its polished smile
We both realize
This is only the beginning..."
Also lipstick-stained sheets requires the hyphen to make it grammatically correct.
Great work!
1000/5
T e m p s ( F P C D )
at 2009-07-14
Now THIS is the way you should write, I personally perfer this over the repetitive forms! This was amazing.. my favorite line was about the lipstick stained sheets. Such vivid imagery in this piece.. woow beautifully written! Keep writing free verse.. I believe thats where you write best! I'm so glad you went for it and tried one :) It came out amazingly. You should be proud.
5/5.
Deathsdarkness ( F P C D )
at 2009-07-14
Wow this is a really descibtive poem the imagery is so clear theres so much sencuallity in it and the emotion is so rich and powerful the rythem is smooth and flows really well and the structure is really well laid out within the poem
well done 5/5
Untitled Me ( F P C D )
at 2009-07-14
Sunshine seeps through
The facade generously
Streaming with buoyancy
Shielding us willfully
'Til it can bear no more.
*This stanza was flawless. I love the way you worded this. The alliteration is a nice touch as well. I love the imagery. It's so soft and sweet. This is a very lovely poem and so well written. Beautiful work hun. Nik*
Genuine Lavender ( F C D )
at 2009-07-14
My Maryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,
What a terrific verse dear, you did unbelievable job, so mture and romantic.... I like every thing and plz don't make any changes, it's perfect, let your own imprint dominate and be more than proud...
Adorable job ******
Poetic Princess ( F P )
at 2009-07-14
I really love this poem..I really love the first line "Lipstick stained sheets"...WOW!!!!...This is my favorite one from you...keep writing always...
Vanessa
Directly Implied ( F C D )
at 2009-07-14
Everything about this poem was fantastic, your use of words, the flow and the imagery. Excellent job.
xXxXhes the everything i cudve a ( F P C )
at 2009-07-20
Great poem. 5/5.
Colm ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-02
This is one of the best I have read from you! A really enjoyable read. The first stanza excellent, a good opening with the vivid and original description of 'Lipstick stained sheets.' Great word choice! The high standard continues throughout. The only fault I would have, and its only minor, is that I found it dragged on a little in the middle. Mind you it was still good writing, it's just my interest dipped slightly in the third and fourth stanzas.
I liked how you appealled to different senses, not just visual but sound and touch too. The phone ringing is sudden and brings a little turning point right when its needed, to keep it sharp and consistant. The end was my absolute favourite, the last stanza is so powerful and true, almost a quote but it fits in very well and wraps up the poem nicely. Really good write, and quite original too, which is an achievement for a love poem. Keep up the good work :)
Colm
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