Dixiedaisy ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-03
I know you don't like comments on your work but I must tell you that this poem is just a wonderful poem. I tend not to like love poems but you have definitely done the subject justice with this write. It absolutely beautiful from start to finish. Great Job!
Luanne ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-03
Wonderfully done Bob and congrats on the club to club challenge win!
I say "Woooooooooot baby"
Yes you rock!
Loved the read and knew it was a winner the moment I set my eyes on it.
Well done my friend
Italian Stallion ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-07
Bob, nice write, congratulations on the win for the challenge, now, on to business...
'Heavenly Love'
^Enjoyed the title, but it felt too cliched for me. I'm sure someone with your intellegence could've produced something more original for the title.
Throughout the whole poem I didn't see one once of punctuation. I feel puncuation is extreamly inportant in poetry, for it lets the reader know when to pause or stop as well as adding to the overall flow.
I also noticed you had a nice Rhyme scheme through out the poem except for the first stanza. I found that to be quiet odd and throw off the flow and rhythm with the rest.
'A withered soul
battered horrendously
black and blue
swirls bloody sea'
^Not too keen on your choice of wording in the second line, perhaps wording it differently would make it sound better? Just a suggestion. Something as simple as changing it to, 'battered repulsively' makes it that much stronger in my opinion.
same with 'black and blue' it is a great description, but so oftenly used, couldn't you think of something metaphorically to describe that better?
I did like your idea of the last line though, found it to be unique and original. Nice Job.
'waves of distinction
splash upon thy brow
refreshing bliss
though painful now
o'er yonder, rainbows glisten
ye pot of gold so far away
whilst gentle strokes promise survival
thoughts of love shant ever stray'
^Quick question first:
'thy brow'
'o'er yonder'
'whilst'
'shant'
You have archaic language here but it doesn't seem to appear in the rest of the poem? Perhaps separate it from the other stanzas a bit to make it clearer? Just a suggestion.
'yet distance humbles raging hearts
and calm waters chill said tide
life is Barnum's merry-go-round
which few never learn to ride'
^You don't need the 'and', it would be so much more powerful without it.
'atop a wooden horse, one sits high
frantically reaching for the sky.....'
^Loved this part, flowed right off my tounge and had great imagery.
'***Independence may set you free, but you'll always be a slave to reality'
^Nice ending, to a well written peice of poetry. Nice Job!
Peace, Joe
[ Praised by : sluvious ]
Rachel ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-07
Heavenly Love
^A withered soul
battered horrendously
black and blue
swirls bloody sea^
I like the metaphor here. Good start with the aBcB rhyme scheme, not forced
^waves of distinction
splash upon thy brow
refreshing bliss
though painful now^
I like the hint of Old English, great word choice in this stanza.
^o'er yonder, rainbows glisten
ye pot of gold so far away
whilst gentle strokes promise survival
thoughts of love shant ever stray^
Vivid imagery here and a bit more of the Old English, I think it makes the piece seem as thoughts from a distinguished gentleman.
^yet distance humbles raging hearts
and calm waters chill said tide
life is Barnum's merry-go-round
which few never learn to ride^
Nice metaphor again
^atop a wooden horse, one sits high
frantically reaching for the sky.....
***Independence may set you free, but you'll always be a slave to reality ^
Nice way to end it with a bit of wisdom. You were consistent with the rhyme scheme which gave the piece a nice rhythm. The rhyming wasn't forced and I liked the way it lacks filler words. I personally don't care for punctuation in poetry, only in certain instances. I think you did a great job on this piece and it was a well deserved win. Congratulations
T e m p s ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-09
'A withered soul
battered horrendously
black and blue
swirls bloody sea'
`I agree with Joe on the second and third lines. To me the 2nd line was a bit wordy - esp. horrendously. Black and blue is too plain, there are so many different kinds of blacks and blues that you could have used here for a better description.
'waves of distinction
splash upon thy brow
refreshing bliss
though painful now'
`A good flow, normally I don't see many people use the type of language that Shakespeare did, so its nice to see something different.
'o'er yonder, rainbows glisten
ye pot of gold so far away
whilst gentle strokes promise survival
thoughts of love shant ever stray'
`I'm going to have to agree with Joe about the language here, and how its not used throughout the rest of the poem as it is in this stanza. It kind of throws the reader off a tad.
'yet distance humbles raging hearts
and calm waters chill said tide
life is Barnum's merry-go-round
which few never learn to ride'
`Again, I agree with Joe 'and' can be taken out.. its not needed.
'***Independence may set you free, but you'll always be a slave to reality'
`Very powerful and well written. A great ending.
Well done. :]
Congrats on your win for the club-to-club challenge!
Robert Kerry Gardiner ( F C )
at 2009-08-09
This poem was quite beautiful, i thought that the word choice and flow were terrific and your imagery created a great picture. My favourite stanza in this poem was
"waves of distinction
splash upon thy brow
refreshing bliss
though painful now"
great work
Kerry Gardiner
ShootingStar179 ( F P C D )
at 2009-10-04
What a great poem to discuss a longing for love that many feel on a daily basis. The last stanza captured it best for me. Your word choice helped make me feel your emotion. The line at the end also helped tie everything in and made me think. Very well done.
A POETRY COMMUNITY
POEMS