Valedico ( F P C D )
at 2009-08-28
The ending delivered what the rest of the poem did not. You could actually scrap the remains of the poem and leave that last stanza as an ambigious lament or something. Kudos, on your language in the final stanza, especially in the last stanza.
'Yellow and you
are more than
mere alliteration.'
Not needed. Ask yourself what purpose it serves to your piece? Ask me and I'll say that
'Halogen lamps
remind me of the streets'
Is a better opening simply because it's to the point and doesn't seem like a pompous introduction or attempt at intelligence. May you not try so hard. Keep the above bit I posted. I like it. 'yellow and you' is fine as a title, thus the intro is not needed. The reader will see the 'alliteration' and yo and behold, they've used their mind to work out the significance.
'and blinded by youth.'
is one of those cliches. Show you were 'blinded' by youth. I'm reading this, and I'm being told what happened. Make me think.
'And yet, I could never
call you a cliche.'
Okay, I like where you're coming from, but you couldn't call 'someone' a cliche anyway since a cliche is an idea, or expression. A human is a human.
'All that now remain of you
are yellow teeth
from cigarettes smoked
in your remembrance,
wishing memories were
yellowing pages
of countless poems
I have written for you.'
Half of this I like; half I don't. The last bit comes across lazy, why must you force the significance of 'yellow' onto the reader and better question might be, what is the point? The point of the poem seems to me to juxtapose a 'memory of a loved one' with a colour.
Saying that, there are some bits in here I like. I don't hate it, in fact it's better than a lot I've read on this site but...hey, maybe it's just me. I don't..get it.
[ Praised by : bhaskaryya ]
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