Spirit of the Forest ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-11
"Love... once came under a sheet
of rain in my heart, caught 'tween the brambles of
my memories."
I liked the usage of periods to create a pause after "love", it had a nice affect. I really liked the wording here and it kept me reading on. Wonderful display of heartfelt emotions.
"Still, dream I
of you."
The way this was worded was so beautiful, it was five simple words, yet they were so passionate and out-spoken. These words just stood out and caught the reader.
"Breeze kisses me light..."
I feel like "light" should be "lightly", it sounds better to me, the wording you have just sounds a bit awkward in my opinion.
"a consolation prize, of your fare thee well."
I didn't understand the last line, "thee" means" "you" and so are you saying "of your fare you well"?
I just was a bit lost when you switched to Old Enligsh, I just thought use it all or do not, because switching back and forth just lost my interest.
4/5 from me, for being such a short piece, it was deep and touching, so I congratulate you on that, but I felt like the structure and certain wording could be strengthened.
Well worth the read still, nice work.
~MaryAnne
[ Praised by : Lenore Amaya ]
Miren ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-14
Fare-thee-well = state of perfection; the utmost degree;
I think Cass it would be easier for the us if you'll use some punctuations up there:P
Cass, You must understand that this is an outstanding piece from you, probably on my top list from you..
Gosh just five lines and yet these stirred tears from my heart. It made me remember this book i was reading a week back..
Love... once came under a sheet
of rain in my heart, caught 'tween the bramble of
my memories.
^^^I think these lines meant like, love was once over pouring and since it's impossible to rain forever, the surface or the ground somehow hardened yet will never forget the day it was raining. Like a lost love, nurtured through the aging time..
. Still, dream I
of you. Breeze kisses me light...
a consolation prize, of your fare thee well.
^^Ouch...the pain was beautifully painted...We can never run away from memories that were kept for forever in our hearts, Acceptance though is the best healer of all..
Excellent piece Cass..Muahzz..
[ Praised by : Lenore Amaya ]
Rachel RTVW ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-14
^Love... once came under a sheet ^
I like the pause at the beginning with the insertion of the ...
^of rain in my heart, caught 'tween the brambles of ^
I like your word choice and use of a metaphor with the exception of the 'tween and I don't care for the enjambment in the last line, it creates an unnatural pause. Although, you may have used it for suspense or a sense of anticipation, I don't know.
^my memories. Still, dream I
of you. Breeze kisses me light...^
I don't care for the inversion - still dream I, it sounds unnatural. A plain and simple Still I dream of you would have sufficed or yet, I still dream of you. You don't need to add the ... after light since the reader naturally pauses at the end of a line. I love the breeze kisses me light. The personification and imagery are pleasurable.
^a consolation prize, of your fare thee well. ^
I do like the ending much better than if you would have said fare well because it is a different meaning.
Despite the few cosmetics of my criticism, I think you did an excellent job!
Very well worth the read and nomination!
[ Praised by : Lenore Amaya ]
Rachel RTVW ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-14
I forgot to add that it is helpful for those who haven't seen this form before or don't know the rules you had to adhere to when writing it if you added a description at the end of the piece :)
Britt ( F C D )
at 2009-09-17
I haven't written in this style in a while, mostly because it's really hard for me to pack such a powerful punch in a small stanza..but you did a wonderful job. There is such love and beauty wrapped within this piece..but such a sad beauty. You could interpret this in many different ways I suppose, but it seems almost hopeful to me. Again, a very lovely and beautiful poem. :]
Spirit of the Forest ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-21
Congrats on the win dear!
God bless you!
~MaryAnne
Luanne ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-22
Congrats on your win Cass !!!!
We all know how difficult it is to write formed poetry and to choose those perfect words and make them fit perfectly. And within a short piece it is so difficult to deliver a powerful write when we are limited to such few words but .... you did an amazing job !!!!!!
Very deserving of the front page win Cass !
Illuminati RTVW ( F P C D )
at 2009-09-24
Congrats on your win dear Cass this is indeed a lovely poem
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