Orangerhymeswithsyringe ( F C )
at 2010-01-02
I don't understand how the other person that read this gave it a three.
I think this is probably the best poem of yours I've read so far. I love what you've tried to do here, and being honest like in all my other replies I really like the dual usage of words as being both the beginning and ending.
The only way I would say you could have made this better is by making those dual beginnings and endings having a better flow much like your third stanza. For example, in your third stanza, "tomorrow" is the end of the first line, but the beginning of a whole new (unrelated) sentence in the second line. Unlike in the second stanza, where "face" is the ending of the first line, and somewhat of a continuation of the first line in the second line.
I think, personally anyway, it flowed much stronger in your third stanza than it did in your previous two mainly because the dual usage of words again extended beyond their first initial meeting.
4/5. :)
I enjoyed this one a lot, and again very creative. :))
A POETRY COMMUNITY
POEMS