Orangerhymeswithsyringe ( F C )
at 2010-01-02
I've read through a few of your writings now, and you're quite a strong writer. I really like what I've read so far as I can definitely relate and understand what you're going (or have gone through) with this one about disappointment and unrequited love. This one is again very well written, with very few minor grammar errors. :)
You have a word error here which makes the reading a little awkward:
"How will I accept the truth that you've just thrown me way"
I'm assuming you either meant to write "me away" or "my way" instead of "me way"?
"Sand" is the singular form of "sands" and therefore saying "grain of sand" you don't actually need the article "the" in front of it. It's a little hard to explain, but "the" you would say when you're referring to a specific object.
eg: "Give me the ball". Since you're already specifying it's only one grain of sand, you don't need "the" in front. You could write it "... counting every grain of sand". :)
"I didn't know you'll break my heart" (you'll again is you'll, you'd is a contraction for you would). The contraction "you'd" would generally be more acceptable here, as it's in past tense.
You've used commas excellently, but missed one in this line:
"How can you do this to me you're even one of the persons I admired" (should be one between me, or a question mark.)
"I thought your serious" (your -> you were, your is again possessive).
I really like the very ending of this poem. I think the summary is cultivated very well, and brings together everything you were talking about. Overall, again, a 5/5. I think this was written with a lot of emotion, but I can definitely see how more fluent you've become and how much you've progressed as a writer since 2006.
And sorry if I'm being too nitpicky with grammar. I know you understand this stuff though!
You have to if you know what an acrostic is. :D
[ Praised by : Gazette18 ]
Pink Butterfly
at 2010-01-22
I can relate to your poem... It's really hard to miss someone so dear!!! Regrets will always follow. You would always wish to change everything. If only you don't let him go... Good job for this!!! God bless!!!
-Pink Butterfly-
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