Lady Nik ( F P C D )
at 2009-11-17
Unmoving, hardly breathing anymore.
*I'd make this line "barely breathing anymore" that seems to flow into the next line better.*
My heart on my sleeve; It's clearly,
Bleeding.
*A cliche line but I think it fits well where you placed. I like how you end each stanza with one word. That's a great way yo put emphasis on what you're feeling.*
My heart is beating rapidly in fear.
*I love this line, no sure why though, It was simple but had an very powerful impact on the poem. I love how you kept saying my heart. I think this was a really good poem hun. Your emotions were clearly expressed and you didn't hold anything back. A very enjoyable read. I like it :) Nik*
sarah
at 2009-11-20
Wow i feel the pain... i can see great images in your words
Kuro ( F P C D )
at 2009-11-22
I think you described what you felt really well. and good usage of some metaphors like:
Trails of loss trickle down my cheeks
My heart on my sleeve
i particularily liked how you ended each stanza with a single word that sums up each emotion from that stanza.
nice job
~Ben
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