Autumn Breeze ( F C )
at 2010-01-25
I like how you have used the rose and thorns to portray jealously a very interesting approach.
Cindy ( F P C D )
at 2010-01-26
William
What a stunning piece. You have captured so much feeling within your words. I love the way you have entertwined the rose and the branches with the emotions we feel.
How could such beauty?
Grow amid such pain,
And prosper as if the branches,
Did not contribute in their fame.
Loved these lines. Without the brances the rose would not have life.
~Bravo~
Even then no one cares's,
That the branches are still living,
It's as though, they are not there.
Meena Krish ( F P C D )
at 2010-01-29
Hmmm...those who need to be noticed are
ignored & those who do all the work are left
alone to stand..very nicely penned :)
Rachel RTVW ( F P C D )
at 2010-02-04
Although simply worded, it flowed nice. I would have reworded a little to cut down on all the filler words though as this wasn't a form with a sylable count to adhere to.
Rachel RTVW ( F P C D )
at 2010-02-04
I also wanted to add that the structure would have looked better if your stanzas were set up like this and I am also going to change it a little to show you exactly what I am talking about with the unnecessary filler words:
^How could such beauty^- not the end of the thought so you don't need a question mark here....
^Grow amid such pain^-the question mark would be here if you were going to punctuate. You don't need a comma at the end of any line as the reader naturally pauses at the end of a line anyways.
^And prosper as if the branches,
Did not contribute to their fame.^
The answer must be jealousy,
Perhaps vines feel they're scorned,
So to answer flower's beauty,
It surrounds the rose with thorns.
Unnoticed are the branches,
For the rose is so arrayed,
It commands all the attention,
From each one who comes their way.
When the rose fades in its season,
Still noone seems to care
That branches are still living,
It's as though they are not there. ^
Try not to use and and I and as are they etc.....so much. Try to make themost of each word. Now had this been a form with a syllable count to adhere to then I wouldn't have the same comment because sometimes the extras are needed depending the situation.
Despite the criticism, I did enjoy the piece.
Countess of Monte Cristo ( F P C D )
at 2010-02-08
William. You left me speechless.
Countess of Monte Cristo ( F P C D )
at 2010-02-10
In my opinion, one of the best poems i've ever read. Few poems leave me with wet eyes, and this my friend, is one of them.
If only there were a 100 instead of a 5.. but 5 definitely.
Mer Divinity ( F C D )
at 2010-02-12
Now that is the most beautiful poem I have read this month. Thank you so much for sharing it with us, :-). This is an amazing piece of work, and someday I hope to read it in a book. If you get it published in a poetry book, I'm so buying. :-)
Congrats on the win, it is well deserved!
5/5
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