assaiba
at 2011-09-07
Beautiful feelings of trust,love and compassion. The flow is like a breeze. nice.
Jenni ( F P C D )
at 2011-09-07
This is really well written and I think that the flow was good too. The emotions are really powerful and I like the images you used, they are really relateable. :)
believeinlove87 ( F P C D )
at 2011-09-07
You're an amazing writer (: <3
The rays of light from your eyes
Hypnotized me for a life time
Lips red as the first rose of spring
A taste that makes me feel reborn
This stanza shows how much you love her & how everything about her inspires you bcuz shes such a complete beauty.
Flawless piece(:,
You always can put so much raw emotion into your poems allowing everybody who read its to feel the true emotion & to envy what they have.
Amazing Poem :)
5/5
Liliana ( F C D )
at 2011-09-07
The rays of light from your eyes
Hypnotized me for a life time
Lips red as the first rose of spring
A taste that makes me feel reborn
my favorite^^
georgia ( F C )
at 2011-09-07
This amazing.
ur feelings and emotions are clear :)
well done 5/5
Cinnamonspice ( F P C D )
at 2011-09-07
See how you make us ladies swoon over your work LOL.
Touching and beautiful as always, you have a tender heart that is worn beautifully in your poems.
hugs my friend
Connie
Mera Luna ( F C D )
at 2011-09-07
That's a classic love poem you've penned here, full of rhyme and romance, even old-fashioned language. Something I've always adored about your style is your sincere tone throughout each and every poem, no matter what subject you're writing about, or whether it was yourself who's been in the situation or a complete stranger.
I see you've improved a bit by tidying up your structure, there are clearly two parts in this poem and they show nice symmetry. What I wonder is why you wrote it this way, because it didn't seem like you were trying to juxtapose two moods, or anything of the kind. Perhaps you were just trying to emphasize the perfection of this love. If that's the case, then I suggest you taking a look at this line:
"In thy heart is my eternal grave"
^ I know this is meant to be a romantic image, but an "eternal grave" is quite dark, don't you think? It made me think that there was a twist coming up in this poem, but that twist never came. Perhaps going with a softer image would help.
Also:
"The refection of love"
^ I think you meant "reflection" here, since "refection" (refreshment with food and drink/a light meal or repast) would give this line such an odd meaning. =p
And:
"As I lay upon her lap"
^ I wonder why you suddenly address your love in third person, while you've always addressed her in second person throughout the poem. No big deal, just nitpicking here. I thought it would be more romantic to keep the poem focused on a "you", as if it's a direct dedication.
Further more, I think this was my favourite part:
"Our hearts wrapped in this web
Of beauty, trust and compassion
Our lives are written for us
In the book of hopes and dreams"
^ True love, true harmony, which could make any girl drool. I just thought that your word-choice ("wrapped") was very interesting here. And although this book you're speaking of is quite common, saying it is of hopes and dreams makes it ... fairytale-lovey-dovey-like, lol.
[ Praised by The Queen | Approved by Larry Chamberlin the Godfather ]
The Queen ( F P C D )
at 2011-09-09
In thy mind ill be for life
In thy soul ill be for eternity.
^[I'll] I know it's just a typo, but somehow doesnt read decently. :D
Otherwise I think this is a great poem to dedicate to a loved one!
LizzaSkuxx ( F D )
at 2011-09-10
Nice write i loved it
100000%
amazing
100/100
PinkyPrincess ( F P C D )
at 2011-11-04
Wow... I'm speechless.. this poem is so beautiful! I loved it! Okay you really are amazing at love poems!!! <3 Great job!
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