Comments - The kiss.....

Jenni ( F P C D ) at 2012-07-02

:)

^ That is all I'll leave for now and a sigh but will come back.

Purple Rose ( F C D ) at 2012-07-04

Typos: In the first stanza, first line, I would add 'a' between 'in' and 'sturdy.' It would make the flow go a lot smoother in that stanza. Fourth stanza, first line, 'breath' needs to be 'breathe'

This is a very beautiful poem, Ben. I love how you took a simple act, and gave us all of the details :] Very beautiful. Also, the fact that most of us have gone through something like this has made it even more relatable as well. As and afterthought, I noticed that you did this from the female's perspective, which is interesting to me...

'Eyes locked in sturdy gaze
As his blue eyes look into your soul
The moment draws near....'

^ Beautiful beginning. I love how you used this because it is so romantic :) Looking into someone's eyes and becoming paralyzed.

This is one of the poems where I can't really give constructive criticism, because to me there is nothing wrong with it :[ I can only praise it. One of my thoughts for this poem is that it reminds me of a countdown.

'Hands fit as one, loose by your sides
As both slowly, so slowly, move closer
Closer, as auras blend to one in the night....'

^ I love this stanza as well. The word 'aura' is very telling, because each person has one of their own. I like the imagery that you used here, because it tells me that they are extremely close together if they blend into one. I would put the word 'two' in between 'as' and 'auras' because it makes the scene more secretive to me. I would also change 'to' so that it says 'into' because they are blending together. However, just suggestions so you don't have to listen to me at all :)

'Hesitant and slow, forgetting how to breath
Committed as two hearts pound in their abode
The feel of breath, warm and sweet as honey...'

^ Forgetting how to breathe, and it causing your heart to race sporadically. Another beautiful piece of imagery here. Beautiful.

'The Kiss'

^ This reminds of the caption, 'The End' at the end of movies. I thought that this was a need effect, and it told that the poem was over yet it didn't cause them to mourn it at the same time - like make them feel that there was no sequel, at least for me. I felt that there would be more :)

Like I said, I can only praise this because I find no need for constructive criticism. I really like this poem...I know that you are not exactly comfortable writing free verse because you have perfected the art of rhyming, but I still thought it was perfect nonetheless.

Excellent/beautiful
5/5

Chelsey ( F P C D ) at 2012-07-23

Well this was romantic :) what I don't like about this poem is it reminded me of every boy I have ever kissed, ew lmao

But what I did love was the soft, sweet , tender words, that make the kiss passionate and not a "blehh" kind of kiss. You know the ones you're unsure about. Lol

Beautiful write ben, I'm mad I missed this! But glad you pointed it out!