AngEl Of dEAth ( P )
at 2008-01-21
Hey! nice poem. keep it up
I R Jordannn ( F C D )
at 2008-01-21
PROMOTINGWORKS .
Here goes .
I liked how you used song / lyrical format . It played a nice part in the overall look and design in your words. Although , your first line , I wasn ' t sure if you did it on purpose , but I don ' t think it makes sense . But here , let ' s go into detail .
First stanza -
It was amazing because , like all goo poets , you know that you need to hook your audiance in at that part and whatnot . I thought that you words really assumed the whole purpose and made sure that people giot a blunt , but easy picture to relate to in their minds .
BUT.
First line :
"Desolate heart as filled as empty could be,"
` It doesn ' t make sense .
- Either change the second "as" with "and"
[ OR ]
- Change the second " as empty " to " With emptiness" . :]
ILOVEDTHELASTTWOLINES. Made me smile . :] I can completely relate . :]
GREATJOB.
Second stanza :
I didn ' t like it that much . I thought that the first two lines were really amazing. I mean , they made the whole stanza , but the whole thing about pills and how they hurt you , eh . Didn ' t like it . I was a pill popper , I can relate , but .. seeing how you went from puzzle pieces of a heart to pills , just .. wasn ' t the best transition . :]
Third stanza :
"Glum" is a lame word .
USE YOUR AMAZING VOCABULARY , STEPH[A]N. :]
Okay , I think that you tried on this stanza, but you ' re not yet there . I really did like that you saw what they could n ' t and they saw what you couldn ' t ; totally amazing. Just . I didn ' t see why you could predict the future with that . ANDWHEREDIDTHEPILLSGO?
Bish.
;/
k.
Youseemypointnow.
Fourth stanza :
OOOH.
ILOVEDIT.
LOVE.
LOVE.
LOVED.
IT.
k.
Ilovedit.
ANDICLAIMIT.
So , copyright that crap RIGHTTHERE.
And put my name next to it .
[ humps it ]
:]
ITSMINE.
:]
Okay , well , let me see , I really loved the emotion that you put into it . I felt it . ALOT. I liked it . ALOT . IT ' s mine . I claimed it . :]
SOTHERE.
Fifth Stanza :
Dude , I loved that one too . Especially the second line . k. That was my favourite ! MYFAVOURITE! :] Wow , honey . It ' s getting more and more amazing with every stanza !! GREATJOB.
Sixth Stanza :
WHYSTEPHAN.
WHY!
Why did you have to bring the pill back ? Gosh darn it . ;/ I liked it though , it tied back to the beginning , and made the pills make a little more sense . And . I really like how you don ' t trust the drink . It was a good comeback.
Kinda like saying that you trust what you hadn ' t before , but something new isn ' t what you need to trust , you need to trust what you already have . Even if you don ' t want to . Even if they can hurt you .
o.o;
perfect .
Seventh Stanza :
LOVEIT.
k.
Nothing more to say about that .
I loved it . :]
Eighth Stanza :
The pills = the cure to insanity .
Insanity questions sanity.
Sane people = insane people .
Pills help the perfectly sane people turn insane .
o.o;
HAH.
Got it .
WHATNOT.
:]
Haha.
I liked it .
Except I didn ' t like the
"... with pills "
part.
That was kinda lame .
Ninth Stanza :
DUDE.
mk.
So , you bounce back . I loved this stanza. It made so much sense and I understood it . I loved it . k. LOVED.
:]
Tenth Stanza [ Ohmygod , it doesn ' t end ! ] :
x]
HAHA.
Okay , let me see .
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO PUT THE PIECES WHERE THEY DONT BELONG ?
THEY YOU COULDNT SEE THE PRETTY PICTURE AT THE END . ;/
ARG.
Pieces of your heart = pieces of your sanity .
Pills = glue .
Pills = cure for the insane
Pieces of your heart = pieces of your sanity = pills = gule = pills = THE CURE.
:O
GOTIT.
:]
Eleventh Stanza :
OKAY.
So , I really liked this stanza. It was something that I could see and something I would write about . So I could honestly see what and where you were going . :]
Twelveth Stanza :
JORDAN LOVES THIS STANZA .
OHMYBUHDA.
JORDAN LOVES IT.
ESPECIALLY THIS PART :
" Good gracious, time saunters by when lonely,
And there's still time to spare to be more lonely. "
THAT ' S MY FAVOURITE PART.
:]]]]]
Last Stanza :
AMAZING.
ENDING.
AMAZING.
FLAWLESS.
FLAW.
LESS.
ISWEARBBY.
ITWASAMAZING.
: O
[ ish . in . (( shock )) ]
[ Orgasms to it ]
;]
HAHA.
:]
ILOVEDIT.
k.
love.
Whole Poem Overall :
I really thought that it was out there , something that very few people would use and something very few people would think about . I really liked how you used medaphorical details to make the whole poem stand out . Even though there are things you could work on , I thought altogether, the whole thing came out magnificent ! :]
GREATJOB.
5/5
Jordan.
[ Praised by : IdTakeABulletForYou ]
isabel ( F P C D )
at 2008-01-21
I find your poem absolutely amazing... It just get's me, makes me want to shout "wow"... ;)
it was a little hard to understand, i must admit (i'm not a native speaker... but i DO have a dictionary... hehehe)
i don't actually understand why you need to say it is not forced...it doesn't look like it...
=))
isabel
This Starlight
at 2008-01-21
I understood your poem perfectly.It reminds me of how i use to be.Your poem makes me want to keep on reading it over and over.You did a fantastic job on it.: )
Knee Deep In Emotions ( F P C D )
at 2008-01-22
Third times a charm. Anywhos I like the title and although I have read this poem fifteen times it feels like here I go again...
First stanza: The first line was pretty confusing. I mean after I have read it multiple times it is starting to make sense in a strange out of understanding type way. Anywho, it was a great way to begin the poem and caught my attention. You also create a sense of hope with the two last lines and I liked that..
Second stanza: I love the burnt romance line. It is an amazing comparision and I never would of thought of anything like that. Truly amazing. Also the whole pills story I liked and I think that you are using the pills as substitute for the real meaning. But...
Third: Oh the word choice you used here was marvelous. It gives the peice an elegant and intelligant tone while still remaining easy enough to read and understand. These lines>
What I can see is what you can't,
And what you can see is what I can't;
Together we can tell the future,
Omg. I must say they are wonderful. Just amazing. They are simple with a creative twist with a mind turning line that follows. As well as the word glum in the last line which is a perfect choice for this particular peice...
[copy and paste]
Fourth stanza: I liked the first two lines but they are kinda point.blank. if you know what I mean. The punctuation plays a huge role in that. Maybe switch is up or something. Just a suggestion. I love the line after that though. Its deeply emotional. An amazing stanza overall.
Fifth stanza: I love the first two lines. They hold sarcasm and in a mellow way as well. Which is perfect. Again, I loved the line about the heat of the cold. You always compare the opposites to what your actually talking about it. && oh my the last two lines. Were just amazing. They are just gawddd.
Sixth stanza: I liked the first two lines, but I think that you could use some type of punctuation to transition into the second line. Or just capitalize the t in though. Lol. It might of been purposly done that way, or I could just be nit picking too much. Either way lovely lines. Great questioning at the end, although the lines before it were kinda on the boring side for me...
Seventh: First thing I noticed, the amount of lines decreased. I do not think that it will mess with the flow of the overall poem. A poem of this length normally does not have large breaks. This stanza didn't quite stand out as much as the others. I'm not sure why. But I did indeed like the last line. Sarcasm is lovely...
Eighth: Brackets. Ahh how I love brackets. An emotion kicker upper for all poems. If used right. Lol. I loved the stanza. The ... before going into the [with pills] has a huge effect. It made me read it different. A lot different that I would of. So great job with that. {Hi five}
[copies and pastes]
Ninth stanza: I love the first line. Purely beautiful. Although I do not quite like the repetition of stranded. It kinda threw me off the beautifulness. Lol. & oh my gosh. I love the foolishly in love line. Man. Its gorgeous. Just amazing.
Tenth: I felt like this one, was good. And the story behind it was great but it felt rushed. Which might of been good. The flow was smooth and the question at the end really gave a feeling of hmm. Confusion or something like that. Lol. Overall, good just not amazing.
Eleventh: Oh boy. Those first two lines are pure comedy. While still serious because I have felt this way many times your just so mad you want to complain about EVERYTHING. Lol. Great emotion and a wonderful way to portray it hun. I didn't like the cut to the word sanity. It was fast and should be something there. Idk what but yeah...
Twelth: I like the stanza. It was simple yet relative to the whole peice.I didn't quite like the third line while the last two lines were lovely. But the punctuation in the 3rd line was great expression. Lol...
Last stanza: FREAKINN AMAZING. Wow. What a suprise. It was awesome. Smooth flow and the last three words seperated like that were wonderful. I loved it. Overall, a wonderful peice. I loved it. 5.5
Amber.
[ Praised by : IdTakeABulletForYou ]
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