Comments - Poem of Tears

Angelic Death ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-11

Sorry, I accidentally submitted it before i was finished, I just wanted to say if you DO fix those, it is a great poem, but the fact of all the errors.. it depletes the significance of it to the point that i did not enjoy reading it as much as i would have. I would give you a 5/5, but i have to give you a 4/5 because of the grammar problems, though you are a talented writer.
4/5

xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-14

"On this poem
I write the tears.
Which go unspoken.
For so many years"

^^ I love these opening lines, and how you mentioed you were writing tears, very original and instantly pulled me into the piece.

"The Selfish lie.
To get loved from the start
The Selfless lie.
So they dont break a heart.

If you start love with a lie.
Then what will be true.
The tears they will cry.
Or the pain caused by you"

^^ I'm finding that this is getting better as I go along, I like these two stanzas simply because they raises so many thought provoking questions for me as the reader,

"Now your forced,
To live in a Fight.
Crying by day,
Dying by Night"

^^ I'm not to sure on this stanza...only because so many people have used a similar line or quote in their work, about dying at night that it comes across as somewhat cliche. Maybe try changing the words round or redoing the stanza?

"Then you finaly,
Pass off into sleep,
Dreading the bell,
To start another day of hell"

^^ Finaly-finally
I found the flow to be of in this stanza on the last line, maybe get rid of "to start" it just seems to flow better that way.

"Ryhme by ryhme,
Line by line.
I still manage
To keep track of time.

Beat by beat,
Cheat by cheat.
The people keep lying
So I will keep Writting"

^^ I liked these stanzas except for the fact thhe rhyme scheme suddenly changes from abab to aabb, that threw me of a little.

I absolutely love the closing lines, I find them to be very hardhitting, something that will definitely stay with the reader for a while.

On the whole, I enjoyed this.


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