Comments - The Missing Piece of my Heart

enema next door ( C ) at 2007-10-05

So sweet it made me cry :P
very adorable yet so powerful
u seem like a very talented person with a very unique imagination

Dipsticks n Luv at 2007-10-11

OMG...I love this poem? :)

7xo ( F C ) at 2007-10-14

Really cute.
Loved this line : "Can you feel the angels, they're watching us."
Made me smile :]

Trying To Love Is The Hardest Th ( F D ) at 2007-11-03

This poem is good. none of my words and discribe it. 5/5.

Adorable keep writing.
Melissa

kasia ( F C ) at 2007-11-05

Woow thats a pretty poem i liked it alot great job 5/5

Nicole Edwards ( C ) at 2007-11-05

I love this one. Its put together so well. 5/5

Vanessa ( C ) at 2007-11-19

I like how you incorporated quotes in here.
it'ss well written despite the 15 minutes.lol

this poem is relatable and very sentimental

keep it up. :)

moonlil ( F P C ) at 2008-01-18

Very romantic poem. Its sweet.

Neil Marsden ( P ) at 2008-01-20

Fabulous, took me back some distance that's for sure!

Neil.

Lost and Confused ( F P C D ) at 2008-02-19

This poem was deep, great flow, perfect word choice, the concept was brilliant and this deserves the 5/5! Good write! Keep it up :)

Pamela G ( F P C ) at 2008-02-20

It's really cute.

Alexandraa ( P C ) at 2008-04-23

Beautiful .

Claire ( F P C ) at 2008-05-04

I absoulutly love that poem!!!! its amazing!!!

xXxUNOxXx ( F C D ) at 2008-05-07

Awwww, I love this poem. It's amazing. I lvoe the part where u were saying about the leaves tapping on the window. You really let the reader knew what kind of setting you were in, and you don't get that very often. Ver very good poem, I love it. 5/5

Savannah Kate ( F C ) at 2008-07-01

Aww! Gosh that's sweet! I know I'm just a little part if a big sea of comments haha but if you could comment on mine I'd love it! Thanks!:)

dirtyhands ( C ) at 2008-09-28

Lufet mo pare,,
thats make me more proud to be filipino,
wish na makagawa din ako ng sing-ganda nyan,,
chin up filipinoes!!!

Baine Willows at 2008-10-12

This is lovely.
Truly good work, I enjoyed reading it.

Ready To Give Up ( F P C ) at 2009-01-05

Awww this was magnificent. Really sweet! and well written, excellent job
5/5

IdTakeABulletForYou ( F P C D ) at 2016-06-04

A wonderful poem, as you already know judging from the other comments, so I will refrain from glorification :P Just a couple tweaks I'd make and that's about all I'll say!

The last line confuses me, and not in a baffling, ponderous manner. In a "what's he trying to say here" manner. It could be that I'm dense to the poetic meaning in the line, that she has two pieces of her heart in reality and you're going to surface the second one, but grammatically it's just confusing.

"Because God knows that I will find the other piece in your heart"

Two changes would make it less confusing for me, though I know how changing the last line is and it's usually something I wouldn't do even with a superfluous amount of criticism. "The" could be "that" or "in" could be "of". I would suggest the latter, moreso, because it would insinuate you were confident there's another piece to be found and you will find it. Otherwise, saying there are pieces "in" her heart just makes me think she's broken, which could very well be but that wasn't alluded to during the rest of the poem.

A couple grammatical changes I'd make:

I said, "It's God blessing us from above."
"Can you feel the angels, they're watching us."

I would suggest:
I said, "It's God blessing us from above.
Can you feel the angels? They're watching us."

You don't need to double up on the quotations, because the reader should already know that it is conversation from the open quotation marks the previous line. The question mark is straightforward, as it proceeds any questions.

I whispered, "I love you, You're my only one."

I would suggest:
Either put a period instead of a comma after "you" or make the "y" in "You're" lowercase.

Tears run down her face.. And she held her arms around me..

I would suggest:
I don't really see the purpose of the double period in the middle, separating "face" and "and". Artistic liberty, if you will, but I would remove the double period and make "and" lowercase.

As well, since this story is in the past, I would stick to the past tense. So in the line:

Leaves are tapping down the window

I would suggest:
Change "are" with "were".

In the line:

Tears run down her face

I would suggest:
Change "run" with "ran".


...and then in the important last verse:

I whispered, "Your eyes are the window to your heart..
"And your tears are a proof that you have one."
"God gave us two feet, two hands, two ears and two eyes.."
But only one heart.. I came closer to her and said..

I would suggest:
Again, you don't need to use quotation marks so much, as the reader will be able to tell from the opening and closing of the quotation marks where the dialogue begins and ends. As well, what I would say is the more important piece of dialogue is not actually in quotation marks at all, so technically he never said it to her... unless that's what you were intending. If not, then my changes would be as follows (I also removed the "a" from between "are" and "proof" for better reading):

I whispered, "Your eyes are the window to your heart,
And your tears are proof that you have one.
God gave us two feet, two hands, two ears and two eyes..
But only one heart." I came closer to her and said..


Other than that, I rated it 5/5 for a wonderful story.
Hope this helped!

-IdTakeaBulletForYou

[ Praised by Marc Ortiz | Approved by PnQ Mod Account ]


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