Poem of Tears

by Steven Topaz

On this poem
I write the tears.
Which go unspoken.
For so many years.

The Selfish lie.
To get loved from the start
The Selfless lie.
So they dont break a heart.

If you start love with a lie.
Then what will be true.
The tears they will cry.
Or the pain caused by you.

Verse by Verse,
The End comes near
This poem a curse,
Which shows our only fear.

Now your forced,
To live in a Fight.
Crying by day,
Dying by Night.

Then you finaly,
Pass off into sleep,
Dreading the bell,
To start another day of hell.

Ryhme by ryhme,
Line by line.
I still manage
To keep track of time.

Beat by beat,
Cheat by cheat.
The people keep lying
So I will keep Writting.

As we lay here,
Ten miles apart.
One is smiling.
Another with a broken heart.

He is thinking,
"No more fights."
While she is finishing,
Her Life on this night.

As this poem
Comes to an end.
I hope that you.
Will start to comprehend.

That Love is a life,
Thats best left unlived,

 

Submission date : 2008-09-19
Last edit : 2008-09-30

Visits : 10534
Votes : 20
Rating : 4.8

Latest comments

Sam Mayo ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-09

Ok this is me being nit-picky again. now please don't take this the wrong way. I wanted to make some subtle changes, (if i ruin it forgive me) that would improve the poems beat/flow/rythem/what-ever that might help you in the long run. here try this.

In this poem
I write the tears.
that went unspoken
For many years.

The Selfish lies.
Of love from the start
The Selfless lie.
that can't break a heart.

start love with a lie.
what will be true.
The tears that they cry.
Or the pain caused by you.

Verse by Verse,
The End comes near
This poem's a curse,
Which shows only fear.

Now your forced,
To live a Fight.
Crying by day,
Dying by Night.

Then finaly you
Pass off to sleep,
Dreading the bell,
another day of hell.

Ryhme by ryhme,
Line by line.
still I managed
To keep track of time.

Beat by beat,
Cheat by cheat.
people keep lying
I keep Writting.

here we lay
Ten miles apart.
One, smiling.
The other, a broken heart.

He is thinking,
"No more fights."
she is finishing,
Her Life.

As this poem
now ends.
Can you
comprehend?

That Love is a life,
best left unlived


*If you hate it you have full premission to ignore any/all of my suggestions.
Thanks for the read anyway it was powerful

Sam Mayo ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-09

*Ok then, I'm going to be nit-picky again. I have changed your poem around a bit to give your poem a beat/flow/rythem/what-ever. I hope your not to mad and it you are. then you can ignore this message.

in this poem
I write the tears.
left unspoken.
For many years.

The Selfish lies.
to love from the start
The Selfless lie.
that won't break a heart.

start love with a lie?
what will be true?
The tears that they cry?
Or the pain caused by you?

Verse by Verse,
The End comes near
This poem's a curse,
Which shows only fear.

Now forced,
To live a Fight,
Crying by day,
Dying by Night.

you finaly,
Pass off to sleep,
Dreading the bell,
another day of hell.

Ryhme by ryhme,
Line by line.
still I manage
To keep track of time.

Beat by beat,
Cheat by cheat.
people keep lying
I keep Writting.

here we lay
Ten miles apart.
One, smiling.
the other, a broken heart.

He is thinking,
"No more fights."
she is finishing,
Her Life

As this poem
ends
can you
comprehend?

Love is a life,
best left unlived,

*Again I'm sorry If i have completly destoryed your poem/song in anyway. And feel free to ignore any/all changes that I have made.

**P.S. Thank you for the read it was inspiring.

Angelic Death ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-11

Okay. I liked this, but I want to let you know there are many spelling errors and the way it was written forces the reader, or it did to me, to read this three times before truly being able to read it. I can critique you on some of it, but most of it is simply poor grammar.

First of all, you have WAY too many periods. The way this is written is like each stanza is a sentence, and if thats so, you cannot have a period after each line. You should either: 1. Put commas after each line and put a period at the end of the last line in each stanza, or 2. Don't put anything at the end of the lines, and just have a period at the end of each stanza. Someone else said on here that you don't need all the periods, and that just a comma would suffice, thats true. You should change that, it would help the flow more than you could believe.

As for most of the spelling problems, I'll show you those.
The second stanza, last line, "Dont" should be "Don't" or "Do not"
The 6th stanza, first line, "finaly" is correctly spelled "finally"
On the 7th stanza, first line, you incorrectly spelled "Rhyme" Wrong. You spelt it like "ryhme".
The 8th stanza, last line, "Writting" should be "Writing"
And on the last stanza, (if you can call that a stanza) "Thats" should be "That's"

Now. As for your last stanza, what is that? It doesn't make sense to me, because in the rest of the poems, you have 4 lines, and they end in a period, yours ends at 2 lines, and has a comma. To me it feels like somethings missing.

Angelic Death ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-11

Sorry, I accidentally submitted it before i was finished, I just wanted to say if you DO fix those, it is a great poem, but the fact of all the errors.. it depletes the significance of it to the point that i did not enjoy reading it as much as i would have. I would give you a 5/5, but i have to give you a 4/5 because of the grammar problems, though you are a talented writer.
4/5

xLilMissFrostyx ( F P C D ) at 2009-01-14

"On this poem
I write the tears.
Which go unspoken.
For so many years"

^^ I love these opening lines, and how you mentioed you were writing tears, very original and instantly pulled me into the piece.

"The Selfish lie.
To get loved from the start
The Selfless lie.
So they dont break a heart.

If you start love with a lie.
Then what will be true.
The tears they will cry.
Or the pain caused by you"

^^ I'm finding that this is getting better as I go along, I like these two stanzas simply because they raises so many thought provoking questions for me as the reader,

"Now your forced,
To live in a Fight.
Crying by day,
Dying by Night"

^^ I'm not to sure on this stanza...only because so many people have used a similar line or quote in their work, about dying at night that it comes across as somewhat cliche. Maybe try changing the words round or redoing the stanza?

"Then you finaly,
Pass off into sleep,
Dreading the bell,
To start another day of hell"

^^ Finaly-finally
I found the flow to be of in this stanza on the last line, maybe get rid of "to start" it just seems to flow better that way.

"Ryhme by ryhme,
Line by line.
I still manage
To keep track of time.

Beat by beat,
Cheat by cheat.
The people keep lying
So I will keep Writting"

^^ I liked these stanzas except for the fact thhe rhyme scheme suddenly changes from abab to aabb, that threw me of a little.

I absolutely love the closing lines, I find them to be very hardhitting, something that will definitely stay with the reader for a while.

On the whole, I enjoyed this.



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