My head lays on my pillow;
the room is dark and damp.
(-- if I could only see your face,
though I know that I can't)
I try to close my eyes and sleep,
but your face haunts my dreams.
(I feel like I've been torn apart...
I'm broken at the seams.)
I toss and turn; I'm restless.
I know I will not sleep;
(I know that I still think of you.
Do you still think of me?)
My eyes now face the darkness;
the demon's haunting our lives.
(It seems we had it all and more;
Why did you leave me? Why?)
It seems the clock ticks slowly,
and yet our love went by so fast.
(Just where did I go wrong in this,
to make this love not last?)
I sit up smooth, but slowly;
I grip my sheets in my bare hands.
(Why did you have to leave me here?
I just don't understand...)
It seems the night is quiet
as I stand by my dark window.
(You left with not a word to say;
why did you have to go?)
The crickets dance like autumn.
The night is lit like June.
(I'm waiting for you to return;
are you returning soon?)
Laying on my bed once more,
I stare blankly ahead.
(Was this all you or was it me?
Is our love truly dead?)
I feel like such an empty pleasure,
like I could scream aloud this night.
(Was I just living in a dream?
Was nothing really right?)
I watch the seconds pass me by;
The silence fills my heart.
(You know that I am fragile;
do you know I'm torn apart?)
A tear slides down my ghostly face
and falls onto my sheets.
(Were you just playing with my head?
Did you truly love me?)
I close my eyes so gently
as if I am afraid I'll break.
(How did we lose the love we had?
Was all the love a fake?)
The questions lull me into sleep,
a sleep filled with your face.
(I thought that I had melt your heart
which no one could replace?)
I wake up to a quiet morning
the world is still the same
(you were the best that I had
and now I'm stuck with pain...)
my routine passes quickly by
not consciously awake
(it seems you are the only one
is all this a mistake?)
I feel like going back to bed
but your laugh lingers there
(you said that you would never leave
you said you'd always care)
my breakfast has no taste at all
the news is nothing new
(do you know that I'm hurting now
-- it's all because of you...)
driving down a busy street
I skim the crowd for you
(you never even said goodbye
-- there's nothing I can do)
I take a turn off of my route
so that I'll pass your house
(it seems that you were just a cat
-- was I the stupid mouse?)
the numbers pass and yours is near
I speed up just a bit
(you must've known the plan so well
before you got into it...)
and impulse makes me turn abrupt
and I am at your home
(I never thought you'd leave me
-- why'd you leave me all alone?)
I noticed while I parked my car
that five cars sat as well
(did you even try to catch me
do you know I fell?)
with hesitation, I pull through
I walk right to your door
(could have told me what was wrong
do you love me no more?)
I ring the bell and wait for you
it seems I wait so long
(why did you never call me
what ON EARTH did I do wrong???)
the door opens so slowly
I hold my breath in deep
(did you ever even care?
was this make-believe?)
it isn't you who answers
but a woman with tears in her eyes
(were there things that I didn't know?
are there things you still hide?)
I ask to speak with you to her
but sadly she says no
(where'd you disappear to?
why'd you even have to go?)
I scrunch my face and ask her why
-- her answer breaks my heart
(did you ever care for me
you must've meant to break my heart...)
"I'm sorry, he has passed away,
He's been dead for a week..."
(was it true, was it all love?
was death why you left me?)
"...His wake and funeral have passed
his grave's a town away"
(will I never see your face?
not another word you'll say?)
"Did you know him well?" She asks
I nod as tears fall down my face
(you always loved me... you always will
no one will EVER take your place...)
"I was his boyfriend
I've been torn apart
I thought he had left me
-- thought he'd broken my heart..."
She replied, "I know I shouldn't tell you
but I feel that I must
and if I tell you this little secret
will you betray my trust?"
I answered, "Oh, no, I never would do that
trust me with all your heart
I am better now, now that I know
he didn't mean to tear me apart..."
"Dear, he died alone.
-- His death was by suicide
he told no one about his plans
but suddenly took his own life."
I break down crying
the woman kneels down
(why did you do this?
-- I'd have helped you out!?)
with tears flowing down
the woman asks me my name
(without you, my love,
life will not be the same.)
"Stephen, my name is Stephen
I suppose you are his mother?"
(my soul has been broken badly
you'll be replaced by no other.)
"No, I am his aunt,
his mother's dead too
and if you're really Stephen
then he wrote this letter for you..."
I look at the manila envelope
unopened and so smooth...
(Oh, what is inside this death note
-- what have I made you do?)
I opened the letter
so delicate; so scared
(Oh! What have you written?
Just what is in there?)
By now you must have noticed my absence from your life and that I am no longer among the living. You must have noticed that and thought that I had abandoned you, more now than ever since you are aware that I am never coming back. There is no definite reason for my departure from this world. I hope that you will not have it stuck in your head that it is because of you that I have killed myself. I hope that you are aware that it is not. I would like to tell you something: I have been addicted to many forms of self-mutilation for some time. I have not participated in activities that lack clothes or any activity that reveals skin, in fear that you or someone else, mostly you, would see or notice my scars and think less of me. It seems as if I am not good enough for you or anyone. That I will have no future, that I will never be able to take my shirt off without being self-conscious or reminded of my horrid past, or even present. I just can't... couldn't take it anymore. You seem so perfect... perfect life, perfect friends... it hurts... me being so flawed. I wonder what you saw in me, and if you were just playing games with my head. It drove me crazy. I know you must think it odd, but... there is so much pain coursing through my soul as I write this, I believe I will be at rest in the next life, or wherever death takes me. You may or may not forgive me, and you probably don't understand my reasoning... and most likely never will.
I would like you to have a picture of me, and I hope that you won't rip it up, I hope that you will never let me go, and I hope you will not hate me. Please, do not cry for me so that I can die in peace knowing I did not break your heart or I did not make you choose the same fate as I, myself, did. I hope that everything is and will be okay, and I hope that you will remember all of the good times that the two of us shared, and don't think of my life just by my suicide.
P.S.- Please do not visit my grave. I do not want you to cry for me, and if you visit my grave, I am sure that you will cry.
I guess now It's time to
test my quote:
"All my love; 'til
death then in the ground."
I broke into tears as I read the death letter
I knew that it made nothing deep inside better
he was gone, and I knew that he'd never return
no matter how hard I may wish or I'd yearn.
and inside the smooth envelope
he left a lonely picture
his smiling face and his vibrant, blue eyes
(The Boy Who Took his Perfect Life)
I never will forget you
I want to make sure THAT you know
all my love 'till in the ground
(I'll never let you go...)
Thanks so much for reading. This is by far the longest poem ever written, but it seems so short to me. If anyone has actually read this far, I hope that you will be courteous enough to vote on my poems, especially since I took the time to write this long poem, it takes just a second to vote. Even if it's just a random vote, it means everything. I hope that you enjoyed my poem, and I would be even better if you told me how much you did or didn't enjoy my poem though a comment. I thank you for taking the time, once again, and I hope that you will look out in a week or so for a new batch of poems.
Submission date : 2006-10-25
Last edit : 2008-01-20
Visits : 291618
Votes : 380
Rating : 4.8
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