Submission date : 2008-02-06
Last edit : 2008-04-26
pookiengurgi ( F P C )
Wow that was...blunt.sweet.amazing
anonymous lover ( F P C D )
This has a good flow. i agree with pookiengurgi. it is blunt. lol. i like it tho
Jodie Phillips ( F P C )
You are so good at expressing how it is...this is amazing....dont ever give up writing......great
Lace ( F P C D )
I can tell by all of your poetry that you have a really good heart. I have no respect for anyone who dares break it.
I have a few suggestions for the poem though, because some places were a little rocky.
"Dying to take in our hearts
A love that is the truth"
For the second line, I think that
"A love that is true"
sounds much better.
Just a suggestion. Everyone will read this differently, but for me, the way it is now, the second line knocks off the flow.
"I can't tell you yes &
I can't tell you no
I can't tell you to stay &
I can't tell you to go"
I think you should take out the "&'s"
You need to match it with the other stanza that is like this. The "&'s" also knock off the flow.
"I just want to feel your love
At this moment in time
I just want to free the thoughts
In my often enslaved mind"
You are rhyming lines 2 & 4 of this [if you were looking at it as a stanza] and the last line has more syllables than the one it is rhyming with, so again, flow of it is rocky. I think if you took out "often" it would work.
Again, just a suggestion.
Overall, I like the storyline to this. You can't do anything but love the other person. I think it is sweet.
And for that, I gave it a 5/5.