Breathe .

by BrokenREALiTy

(Inhale)
Exchange apologies.
(Don't breathe)
Erase the memories.

(Exhale)
Stinging in the eyes.
(Deep breath)
Remember all the lies.

(Let go)
It falls apart.
(Relax)
Ignore your heart.

(Step forward)
No, don't kiss.
(Go backwards)
Don't make more to miss.

(Inhale)
Release a sigh.
(Clear your throat)
& Say good-bye.
[c] 2O07 Mindy Huang

 

Submission date : 2007-03-09
Last edit : 2007-04-21

Visits : 1593
Votes : 34
Rating : 4.9

Latest comments

cRyInGxmYxsOuLXaWAyx iNxLiFeXiND ( F P C ) at 2007-07-31

Great poem, i liked it... it felt like u were talking to meh xD lol but 5/5 i liked it alot it wuz put together nicely! ^_^

~*~skYe~*~

Marian ( F P C D ) at 2007-08-02

You capture your theme with a subliminal exercise (breathing) that makes it wholly engaging. The pitch was hurried and emotions raw and captivating. I enjoyed this piece, Mindy. Nice piece.

Brittany ( P C D ) at 2007-08-05

I love how you did this. When I read it the first time (before you requested I comment it) I honestly thought it was SO unique and cool. I still think that. I love the concept. I'd love to see you write another poem like this. It absolutely stunned me in a good way.

Gerilynn at 2008-05-11

Hm, at times it feels like the words were forced into the poem. The rhyming and stuff? But hey, the brackets were quite effective and I must say, I enjoyed this quite a lot. It's different and a lot shorter than your recent poems, but all the same it's just as powerful.

xPinkDizzyTeacupx ( F P C D ) at 2008-06-05

Ohhhh wow...this brought tears to my eyes...

I foud the opening stanza to be so very sad and heartbreaking, and such a wonderful way to open the piece, it drags the reader right into it, and I love the parathensis (sp?) effect again, I think that makes it so much stronger with this piece.

"(Let go)
It falls apart.
(Relax)
Ignore your heart.

^^ Easily my favourite stanza of the piece...I find this to be incredibly moving, so bittersweet and filled with so much pain and loss, that you can't help but -feel- everything that you're talking about here.

"(Step forward)
No, don't kiss.
(Go backwards)
Don't make more to miss."

^^This is the only bit I'm not to sure on, simply because I feel that the flow is slightly of in the last line...maybe something like..

"Nothing to miss" or "No more to miss" ? Just a thought.

"(Inhale)
Release a sigh.
(Clear your throat)
& Say good-bye."

^^ This is the part that brought me to tears...so moving and sad, and something I feel to many people can relate to...I love this stanza.

On the whole, I think you did a beautiful job with this.



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